Got to be free

I didn't use to believe the whole 'actions speak louder than words' speech. But now I do. I don't really like it though. Sometimes I wish I could just believe what people say, without having to consider their actions. The fact that people continue to play me like this annoys me. I'm not an idiot. I know so much more than I let you believe. I'll admit, I play dumb sometimes to see if people will be honest with me. A lot of the time they prove that most people just can't be trusted.

I have opinions. A lot goes on in my head. Not many people care enough to hear me out. 3 very good friends have been around for the last few years and they are the only people who listen to what I have to say. One of them doesn't even know how important he is in my life. Everyone else just doesn't get me. They don't wanna hear what I have to say. And when they do, they'll change the subject first chance they get. I shouldn't even keep these people around. It messes up with my head. It only proves to me that I can be truly happy with only those 3 people around. Is that sad? I think it is ok. I was fine a year ago with them. And the year before that. Can't things be like that again? I don't like change. I don't like wasting my time with things that are pointless to me. If you wanna stick around, learn to show that you care. Or someone else will.

Just an ordinary day

I have done absolutely nothing productive this weekend. Stayed inside most of the time ans somehow still managed to catch a cold. It sucks.

Someone told me i don't go outside enough. That i should get out there more often. I don't really care what they say. I like being at home/inside. I'm allowed to b as lazy as i like. I guess i will go back to being lazy on my own now rather than waste other people's days. This is one (of many) reasons why relationships don't really work for me. I don't feel the need to do something. I like doing nothing and just having someone around. I like doing it on my own too. I don't think i'll ever find someone as lazy as me. Oh well.

In the last week i have confirmed what i wanna do with my life (when it comes to work): be a portrait/event photographer. It gives me a certaib rush to do it. And i've been told i have a good eye so that just makes me want to do it even more! I just need to stay focused. And keep people around me who understand. Not everyone does. Not everyone cares. But i do have a couple of friends who believe in me. So thats enough. She will always be happy to help me out and go to places with me. He will always push me and teach me what he k ows that i lack. It's been a good journey and it will keep getting better :)

Be the love generation

I have a bad habit of letting things get to me and getting upset/frustrated about it later. Today, I have made a promise to myself: I will not let things that I can't control get the best of me. There's no point in getting angry at people who don't take you seriously. Not worth it. There's no point in getting upset about things that already happened. They can't be changed. There's no point in getting stressed and worrying about other people that are not important. You can't influence someone who doesn't even care about themselves. Life goes on. I wanna be happy and care free. I need to let some things go. I'm working on it. I really am. I'm glad I have someone around who always makes me happy :)

You are stronger than you think

I'm slowly sinking into that lovely mode I have when I just don't care. The music in my car gets louder everyday. My patience gets lower. The amount of swearing goes up. The level of caring sinks to the bottom. I don't believe itis depression. I know I can shake myself out of it at any time. I've done it before and I know I will get over this again. But I haven't figured out how to skip this middle part. I'll learn one day.

Relationships have never been my thing. I've never enjoyed commitment. I get bored too easily. I wish I could just never be in a relationship and not hurt anyone at the same time. I know it will never happen, but i can dream.

It's only tuesday and I've already had 2 very shitty days. I believe things will go downhill until the end of the week, wheni get to stay at home on my own for a good 24 hours without having to see ortalk to anyone. I like weekends. I dislike people. I'd go far enough to say i hate people. They'll never stop hurting me and i don't seem to learn. But it's ok. I'll just keep pretending until i figure something out.

No sense

People are always happy to judge me. Everyone seems to think I'm heartless and mean. Why? Because i'm honest. If i don't like you, i won't be around you. It's quite simple. People don't pretend to like me because i make sure i'm only around people i do care about and who actually wanna b around me. Fake is not a good look for me. I'm not good at acting like i care about someone who i don't.

I don't understand people who hang around people they don't like. I thought i was the only one who felt that way about someone, but after mentioning it to someone i have realised i'm not alone. People who are very close to them are sick of their bullshit. How can they not see? I mean, i get people need attention and such, but that's a bit far. This innocent fragile actis getting old. U r not as innocent as you pretend to be. Am i the only one who sees this? How can u even have friends? U r so plain, boring and fake. Sleeping with someone after a few days of 'going out' goes against your innocent look. So drop it sweetheart.

With me, you get what you see. No faking. If i wanna do something, i will. Don't force me though. I hate being pushed to do something i am not comfortable with.

On another note, great decision u made there. Made me feel pretty worhless. Hope she was worth it.

Oh man i need sleep. And better things to blog about.