Australia Day

This is the second year in a row where I spend Australia day at home alone. I don't know how I feel about that. Isolated? Left out? Dunno.

Where do I even start?

First of all, I don't think I should even be near this computer after having 2 double blacks in less than an hour. But who cares, there's no one home to stop me.

Yeah that's right, I'm drinking at home alone. Whopsy-fucking-do. It's a first for me I have to say. And it fucking sucks.

I thought this year would be different. But guess what! It isn't. I still hate my job. I still wish my life was different. And now, to top it all ff, I wish I had found another place to live. I'm clearly not welcome here and it fucking sucks.

Yeah, you got it. I moved in with my boyfriend. Don;t ever do it. No all I get is "oh, I don't work, I'm a bum who does nothing all day, so you go to bed, I'm just gonna go play video games until 6 in the morning. And then I'll go to sleep. So I don't have to talk to you when you wake up". Awesome right? Get home, "oh, you know that ONE thing you asked me to do for the last 2 weeks, yeah sorry. Didn't have time. Spent all day playing video games". Well guess what: FUCK. YOU. I am so sick and tired of this bullshit.

GET A FUCKING LIFE. You are such a fucking child, it pisses me off.

That's not all! Do you think he listens to me? Talks to me about stuff? Listens to what I wanna say? Yeah right. When going out with my friends, he'll just wear shorts and converses so obviously he can't get in anywhere at night. Not to mention sitting in a corner looking bored and not talking to anyone so we will leave early. Yet, I still invite him. His friends invite him to go out? Suddenly he is showered, looking nice, with a bottle of fucking alcohol (even though he is driving), walking out the door without even inviting me. ON A FUCKING SATURDAY NIGHT. Yep.

That pretty much sums it up why I am now home alone drinking double blacks, crying and watching gilmore girls. Even though I promised myself I would not cry over him ever again. I guess I was wrong.

And now, from he looks of it, I guess I should be looking at another place to rent. He never invited me to come live here anyway. I mentioned it because my lease was running out. I don't think he wanted me to come live here.

Well, FUCK YOU.

I have not been this angry and upset at th same time in a very long time. I hate it.





DICKHEAD.

Start fresh?

The beginning of a year is always about starting fresh, doing things differently. I don't think this year will be any better than last year. I doubt there will be less drama. I doubt people will be nicer. I doubt I will get any better. I doubt I will be happy again. I don't think I will ever be happy again. It sucks but I don't wanna fight it anymore. I need to realise that I don't need other people to be happy. I can be happy on my own. Being alone does not make me lonely. I can be happy by myself. I can do things. I can make things work. I don't need anyone's approval. The only person who needs to be ok with my decisions is me. Other people's opinions don't matter. What you do with your life will NOT have an impact on how I live my life.

I can do this. I can make myself happy. I can prove that I am not the selfish one around. You wanna mess up with my life? You wanna try and bring me down with you? Go ahead. Give it your best shot. I'm pretty sure I have some stage of depression so there is not much you can do. Your words will not bring me down. I'm better than that.

2012 will be a year about making decisions that will make me happy. It doesn't matter how it affects you. Because this year I will do things for me. I will be healthier for me. I will be happier for me. Why? Because I have always gone out of my way to be there for people and when I need someone, I can never find anyone. Always listening to other people's problems, never the one being listened to.

I fucking diserve this and you better believe it.

Paranoia has set in again. I hate how broken I am.

I hate this feeling I get and how often it comes around. This lonely feeling. Like no one cares and that I will forever be alone. I am alone and I feel lost. I hate it.

I failed again. No new house for me.

Got home and the first thing I did? Grab a box of chocolate, put spring rolls in the oven and open a can of double black. What a fucking shitty week. I need more than a drink. Maybe tomorrow.

It has been a few monts since i last cried.
Not anymore.
I fucking hate this fucking bullshit.

Too much?

I know I am a bit of an over achiever and perfectionist. I want to do it all, right now, and I want to do it right. Making mistakes is not something I take lightly. Taking a step in the wrong direction doesn't make me feel good at all. You are probably thinking "you can't learn if you don't make any mistakes" and all that jazz. Yes, I agree. This is not me saying I don't MAKE mistakes. This is me saying I HATE making mistakes. That's probably why I don't take too many chances.

For some reason I have now found myself doing so much more than I expected to be doing and walking straight into the dark. I feel lost, confused, excited, freaked out and nervous. All at the same time. Even if I haven't made anything official, the fact that things are happening is a very big step for me.

I've been working full time for about a year and a half now. It is quite exhausting, I have to admit. Not to mention a bit repetitive. That's probably why I got myself into the situation I'm in now. "What situation is that?" you may ask. Well, I now have 2 jobs, looking for one more, wanting to go back to volunteering and trying to find a house to buy. All of that and still trying to have a social life, a boyfriend and see my family every week. I don't think I have enough hours on my days, but I'm up for the challenge. I work 9am till 5.30pm monday to friday + every second saturday morning in an admin/marketing role. I then go do event photography on friday/saturday night, around 6pm till midnight. I also want to volunteers on saturday/sunday afternoon for the busy christmas period. Not to mention I want to catch up with my friends and family during the week.

All of that is pretty simple, right? So to add some extra stress I have decided to buy a house. Why? Because I rather put money towards something that will be mine one day than pay someone else's mortgage. Checking with the bank for a loan: done! Finding an affordable. nice house I like: hopefully done. That's right. I think I found THE house. Will hopefully check it out this week and make an offer.

This is all so scary and it makes me feel so grown up. I am not sure if that is good or not. I've always been responsible, but being grown up is different. Every time I tell someone I want to buy a house I get the same shocked kinda look of "a house? you are only 23!". Or even the "you're settling" speech. I don't get it though. I can take the loan. I work full time. I need to live somewhere. The longer I wait to buy a house, the more money I will waste on rent. his isn't permanent. The whole "you'll be stuck in adelaide forever" bullshit makes me angry. It is a house, it can be sold, I can MAKE money out of it. Very simple. Now get over it.

So what I get into so much debt that I need help from someone? I won;t know until I risk it all. I feel like I'm playing a very important poker hand. My choices are: fold and stay on the safe side or go all in and hope for the best. It can all end very badly. But it could turn out great too. I'll never know until I try. And that, my friend, is how I live my life now. Unless there is a very good reason stopping me from taking a chance, I will just go for it. I;m not scared of getting hurt anymore.

Do you hear that, old me? I AM NOT SCARED. I can't get hurt unless I let myself feel that way. I will not be pessimistic about my life anymore. It is time to make the most of it.

There is no turning back

I like to think I am a good friend. Sometimes i know I don't come across that way and it seems that I don't really care. But the truth is, you hurt one of my friends, I lose respect for you. And respect is very hard to get back.

I know I have done some stupid shit in my time and threated people like crap. But I have never stepped all over someone. I have never broken someone's heart like that. Truth is, people leave me. I have never broken up with someone I was in a relationship with. It does suck, but it is true. And when people break up there better be a good reason. Wanting to be a massive whore is NOT a good reason. It is not even a good excuse! You break his heart, you deservetwice as much pain as you have caused him. Karma is a fucking bitch.

I am not too good with small talk. But when people just want to vent, I'm a good listener. If they wanna bitch with someone, I'm happy to be that someone. If they just wanna sit around watching tv and drinking, I'm happy to do that too. I'm more than happyto just be there.

I believe I am a good friend. But there are people who just won't giveme the time of day to tell them how sorry I am about all the shit I have done. And that sucks big time.

I'm not too good with forgiving but every now and then you will come across someone who you want to keep in your life.

I hope things change. I hope people grow up. I hope some whore out there get what she deserves. She will get her heart broken and when that day comes she will realise that he was the best thing that ever happened to her.

Note to self: driving aimlessly at 1.30am on a friday night with a broken heart, confused head and very upset will not always end well. Escaped a bad crash this time. Might not b so lucky the next.

I will b hidding away in my bed until parklife, if u need me.