Don't fucking lie to my face. Don't pretend like everything is ok. I don't trust you because you are full of shit. I don't see the point in making time for you anymore because all i'm gonna get is tired version of u who would rather be hanging out with other friends. You shouldn't even be with me. It's obvious it is not what you want. Stop being a fucking bitch and own up to the fact that you don't give a shit and you regret choosing me. Go on. Everyone knows it. All you need to do is stop pretending. I'm a big girl, i can handle it.

Don't let the bastards get you down

I haven't been able to have a proper night of sleep since sunday. On my way to work, i get this weird feeling in my chest. Like palpitations(?). I don't know what's going on but i don't like not getting sleep and looking like a zombie. I haven't eaten much either.

I could very easily punch someone in the face. I need a break from life.

Self sabotage

Someone pointed out the other day how much i self sabotage. I never really noticed it before to be honest. But it is true. I do it all the time. I screw things up in my life because i don't think i deserve to be happy. I know it's wrong and i don't do it on purpose. It just happens. When things start going really well but i see a friend who is not doing so good, i get this feeling that i shouldn't be happy. That i don't deserve to be happy when someone else around me is miserable. Self sabotage. It sucks.

This time around i'm not gonna let it happen.
Things are good and i'm happy.
I won't let my crazy side destroy it. This one is too important.

And it comes around again

September has never been a good year for me. People tend to leave for good at this time of year. And this year it will be en worse. First time ever that i have spent my sister's bday + my bday away from her. Wouldn't say i'm happy about this.

Every year september creeps (?) up on me. This is no different. Just when things are starting to work out and i am feeling happy again, it comes around. It's like it sits there and mocks me. Can i skip this month? At least skip a few days?

I miss that time when i didn't know better. When i didn't have a reason to cry. When i didn't know what loosing someone felt like.

I miss you. Is this ever gonna get easier? Doesn't feel like it will.

I miss Murray.

I hate how self obsessed people can be. Not everything is about you, sweetheart. Most people won't even remember you exist most of the time. That's how plain you are. You just don't stand out. And trust me, you didn't "destroy my life" like you seem to think. I'm the one who is happy now, not you.

On another note, I've managed to find a way to be ignore things that I have no control of. I didn't think I could do it. But I did. And I am better for it now. Not as angry. And I can honestly say I have stopped pretending. I still haven't managed to let go of certain things from my past, but one day. At least I can deal with them now.

Spring is here. I don't like the getting sun burnt part of it all, but the sunshine makes me happier. It makes me procrastinate less. It makes me want to get up in the morning and go outside without freezing to death. The warmth just makes me happier. Pretty simple, but pretty big. It really helps.

I feel like I have a lot to say but I don't know what it all is.

I'm gonna go and catch up on some true blood for now.