Fire

Life is like fire: unpredictable. No matter how much you plan, how much you try to make things exactly the way you want, it is not going to happen. It's a fact. It's a certainty. If there is something i'm sure about is that i can't be sure about anything. Ironic. But very true. I don't really know why i'm thinking about this now, but hey, i can't help what comes to my mind!
6 years ago, if someone told me i'd be living in Australia, studying Digital Media i would have laughed at them and called them crazy. Nowadays if someone told me i'll be in Japan teaching english i wouldn't be so surprised. I believe in the unpredictable. I believe one little action can completely change the rest of your life. I'm not talking about something like doing something stupid that will get you to prison and ruin your life. More like saying yes to a job in another country, or choosing to be with someone (or not) or even choosing a university. I mean, imagine how different my life would be if i went to UniSa instead of Flinders. One little decision.
My life has changed so much ever since my parents decided to move here. NOTHING is the same. Absolutely nothing. Yes i still talk and care about some of the same people. But i am not the same person. I know people change, everyone grows up, everyone goes through phases. My biggest change happened when i came here. A new country, a new language, a new life, new friends, a new culture. Everything was new. And i'm not gonna lie. Everything was scary. I was scared for pretty much a whole year. It was far from an easy experience. I am not saying it wasn't good. I don't regret moving here. I am happy about how things turned out. Sure i miss people and things i used to have and do back in Brazil. But i wouldn't change anything.
New things are never easy. First, a new school. Where i knew no one. Where i spent a whole year talking to only one girl. Because i was way too shy to go and make new friends. I spent the first week not understanding what people were saying. No joke! I studied english for about 10 years before coming here. But i still could not understand the accent. Everything freaked me out. I didn't even wanted to go buy bus tickets because i was that scared of talking! It took me so long to get over it. I remember being told by my parents and teachers after a few months how far i had come. But i didn't think so. I was still completely freaked out! And that is when i realized that i could just pretend things were ok, that i could actually seem ok and not freaked out or worried. And people believed me. I didn't have to say "yeah i am ok", they just assumed i was.
That is how it all started. Pretending to be ok is so much easier than telling people how things really are. No one cares. They just ask for the sake of it. Why bother them with my problems then? I am fine with listening to other people's problems. I enjoy helping people. But i don't like sharing how i feel to other people. I think that is how my blogging history started. I feel much better writing about how i feel. Not many people read it. No one asks me about it. And when someone does, i just say it was a phase and that everything is fine now. I'm not being emo here or anything. I am fine about all of this. I do get frustrated sometimes, but i am ok. Really.
I've never been good with sharing my feelings. I don't think i talk about them with anyone. Some people keep telling me that is a bad thing and that i should talk to people about it, that it would make me feel better. I've tried. It doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel guilty. Because now i just told someone my problems and they have to be worried and try to help. No no. I don't like that. They are my problems and i'll work them out eventually. Hopefully. I feel like i'm being very stubborn about this. But i don't care. Ok, maybe i do still worry about stuff that happened years ago, some of that stuff might still make me slightly depressed, but it's ok. I mean, no one is perfect. No one is problem-free right? I just have to deal with things.
This is too depressing already. I shall stop it for now.



"Every solution breeds new problems"