Saturday

Yesterday started like the crappiest day ever. I had to work, and felt so dizzy it wasn't funny. The whole time I'm there I can barely hear people and my head is spinning around. I felt drunk actually. It was awful. On the bright side, I got to serve my favourite costumers :) After that, while feeling like shit I got Alex and we went to a house inspection. The house was AWESOME. But let's not talk about that, I don't wanna jinx it! Hopefully we'll hear back from them soon.

After that, we went to Alex's house, got her some exciting clothes and left to pick up Stam. We then went home and started getting ready. By this time, alcohol and food are involved. And so are multiple changes of clothes. So the day is getting much much better. We were gonna wait for the bus outside, but figured we should walk to the next bus stop. That was lucky, since the bus decided to start at that stop for some strange reason!

And let the night begin! Lots of talking, lots of drinking, lots of dancing, lots of randoms. I didn't feel sick, I didn't feel tired. I could've stayed out until the next morning if it wasn't for Miss Alex being exauhsted. In the end, I got home at 3am. And woke up at 7am for some strange reason. It was a great night! Everyone there was awesome, everyone was so happy, nothing went wrong. I haven't had such a good night in town in a while :) Hopefully, we'll do it all over again next week!

Moral of the story is: 'it's never too late to start the day over', as Michael Franti has once said. :)

Major fail.

I have glandular fever. I have no proper job. Everyone around me has something to do with their life. I don't have any dreams. I don't have any ambitions. I was left by someone I really cared about. And that someone found someone else so quickly and already moved on. And I'm still here, stuck. I hate this. I try so hard to look on the bright side of things, I've been doing everything in my power to make myself happy. Yet I seem to be failing miserably. Yes I am getting things done. Yes I am trying to do the right thing. But when I'm alone at home and can't fall asleep there's nothing good that I can think about. It fucking sucks.

Leave all your love and your loving behind you can’t carry it with you if you want to survive.

^Dog days are over, by Florence and the machine.

LOST is over. Finished. Done. Forever. I feel kind of sad. Lonely. Empty. Like a big piece of me has been ripped from my body. That's how much LOST meant to me. Obsession, I know. But my obsession. An obsession I thought I could hang on to forever. But hey, nothing lasts forever. Not even TV series. It's sad.

Things always have a way of fixing themselves. Somehow. I've heard people say that, if you leave it alone, it will fix itself. I have also heard people say that the only way it will get fixed, is if you do something about it. I believe on the 'do something about it' version. But I haven't done much about my life so far. I feel very empty. I don't think I've achieved anything worthwhile yet. I don't know if I ever will. I want to. But I am not sure I have the will power to get it done. Or to even start it. Or go after it. I always say I go after what I want. But it doesn't apply to everything. It doesn't apply to a lot of things actually.

I feel hypocritical. My whole life I've told people to go for it, do what they wanna do, try it and see if it works. But I don't. 'Do as I say, don't do as I do.' Fail.

Why is life so complicated? Why is it that when one thing starts going wrong, suddenly everything about your life is going wrong? And when one thing goes really well, the others follow. I don't like it. This whole bi polar business drives me insane. I rather be in medium mode all the time. Ugh.

Sometimes, I wish I was back in Brazil. Life was so much easier back then. People were honest and upfront. I had friends that would stick around. I had my family there. I had a life. Australia managed to suck all of my life out of me. In just a few months. I got a lot of it back. But it took so long. It's been 6 years and I still don't feel complete. Or happy. Is it me? Can I not adapt? If I can't, how will I ever manage to go far in life? If it takes me 6 years to get things rolling, how long will it take to make it work?

Every teenager goes through a phase where they think the world is out to get them. I didn't really have that. I was in such shock when I was a teenager that it just went by, I didn't even see it going. But you know what, it is happening now. I don't know how it got to this point, but it did. I feel like I'm trying to hold on, by a thread, but it is slowly slipping away. And as it does, it hurts. It's like a paper cut. You can't see it, but it hurts like hell.

This time last year, things were going great. I had people around me who cared about me, I had a safety net, I had a good home, I was at Uni, I had stuff to do, I had dreams and ambitions. How did I lose all of that? How did I let it get to this point?

I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying as hard as I can. But I really can't do it alone. I don't even know if I can do it at all. I'd hate to become one of those people that just go through life, without caring, without trying. But I feel like that's what happening to me. It's painful to see people around me so happy. I hate giving them my problems. Everyone seems to have a dream. They are all so strong. I thought I was a very strong person. I've been told I'm a very strong person. But right now I am at that point where my strength is fading away. I've used it all up. It feels weird. I feel so numb. I've never had this feeling before. Actually, that's a lie. I had a similar feeling when I first moved here.

In one hand, I wanna try and move to a new place, away from people, and start from scratch, again. But I fear it would be so hard. So I just stay where I am. I want to let things go, I want to be close to people I truly care about. And I'm trying. I don't feel like I'm trying hard enough, but it is all that I have.

I don't need sympathy. I need people to shake me out of it. To help me achieve what it is that I want to achieve: happiness. Real happiness. In every aspect of my life. Is that too much to ask? Can people be TRULY happy? Does real happiness even exist? Do I deserve to be happy? Why would I deserve it more than other people? How an I be happy when I know so many people will never be?

This is frustrating. It keeps me up at night. Nothing would keep me up at night before. Now I can't sleep. There are too many thoughts going through my head.

All of this makes me sound emo. But that's not what it is. I'm just numb. Completly numb. I can't feel anything. I am not angry about my life, as I usually would be. I just feel pain, because of how numb I've become.

This is ridiculous. I NEED to shake out of it. I need to go out and get back to appreciating the good little things in life. Like a smile from a stranger. Or having someone hold the door open for you. Or seeing a younger person giving their seat to an older person. Or a simple "thank you". I need to know that people appreciate each other. And me.

You'll go n I’ll be okay, I can dream the rest away Its just a little touch of fate, it will be okay

^ I've been obsessed with this song for a while now. It is by Lisa Mittchel - Neopolitan Dreams.

I've neglected this blog for a while. It seems to happen more often than not.

A lot has happened since I last blogged. A lot has changed.

I had my graduation a while ago. It wasn't as long and boring as I feared it would be. But I have to say, I was freaking out when I had to walk on the stage to get my diploma. But I didn't trip, so it is all good.
After that, I went to France with my family (parents, sister, cousin+husband and aunt+uncle). It was good. Paris is amazing. People dress so nicely. They make an effort. I wish people here would make an effort. There, no matter how old or young you are, you make an effort. Every time I see some older person on the street that just seems to not care about themselves any more, I feel a bit sad. And I wish I won't turn out like that.
Anyway, the rest of France was good too. We went to loads of small town and we saw lots of castles and war related things. I've always been against war and going to those places, where D-day happened, where so many people were killed, where hundreds of thousands of guys are buried, a whole generation, it just gets to you. We went to the WWI cemetery of the Americans who died in France. It was huge.
We also went to a few peace museums. They showed movies from the war, where people were just being killed left right and centre. There were photos of people everywhere, there were movies, there were letters of officers during WWII in the concentration camps, who wrote to their wives saying how many people they were killing, how hard it was in the beginning and how much easier it got. I think the most shocking thing I saw in that museum was this little film playing. It was about WWII, when the Americans got to the concentration camps and couldn't believe the neighbouring towns knew nothing about it. They went to those town and forced those people to go see what was happening under their noses. In the film, it shows the people walking through the people who have just been found in those camps. The sick and the dead. What got to me was the fact that the people walking past had 3 types of reactions: they would look away (most women did), they would look at the dead people and seem very shocked or, worst of all, a lot of them seemed unaffected, as if they were walking down a normal street. It really got to me. The whole idea of the holocaust has always troubled me. And seeing it that closely was just surreal...

I think that, because I've read so much about all of this and know of so much bad stuff that people are capable of, I now get a lot of happiness from small things. I didn't use to. It started after I was forced to learn about all of this in my German classes here in Australia. I guess those classes were good for something after all. Now, when I see someone smiling, I can't help but smile. When I give my seat to an older person on the bus I get a good feeling inside me. When I volunteer at Oxfam or donate plasma, I feel like I am getting somewhere. I don't think I'll ever be able to find a job that makes me feel that good. I would rather work a job I hate for a few hours a week to make my money to live and use the rest of my time to do things that I actually enjoy which I don't get paid for. I think that one person can make a very big difference. And I plan to make a difference in someone's life someday.

I feel inspired. Even though I don't have the support I need from people around me. Even though my life is slowly falling into pieces. I will make a difference one day. You'll see.