^Dog days are over, by Florence and the machine.
LOST is over. Finished. Done. Forever. I feel kind of sad. Lonely. Empty. Like a big piece of me has been ripped from my body. That's how much LOST meant to me. Obsession, I know. But my obsession. An obsession I thought I could hang on to forever. But hey, nothing lasts forever. Not even TV series. It's sad.
Things always have a way of fixing themselves. Somehow. I've heard people say that, if you leave it alone, it will fix itself. I have also heard people say that the only way it will get fixed, is if you do something about it. I believe on the 'do something about it' version. But I haven't done much about my life so far. I feel very empty. I don't think I've achieved anything worthwhile yet. I don't know if I ever will. I want to. But I am not sure I have the will power to get it done. Or to even start it. Or go after it. I always say I go after what I want. But it doesn't apply to everything. It doesn't apply to a lot of things actually.
I feel hypocritical. My whole life I've told people to go for it, do what they wanna do, try it and see if it works. But I don't. 'Do as I say, don't do as I do.' Fail.
Why is life so complicated? Why is it that when one thing starts going wrong, suddenly everything about your life is going wrong? And when one thing goes really well, the others follow. I don't like it. This whole bi polar business drives me insane. I rather be in medium mode all the time. Ugh.
Sometimes, I wish I was back in Brazil. Life was so much easier back then. People were honest and upfront. I had friends that would stick around. I had my family there. I had a life. Australia managed to suck all of my life out of me. In just a few months. I got a lot of it back. But it took so long. It's been 6 years and I still don't feel complete. Or happy. Is it me? Can I not adapt? If I can't, how will I ever manage to go far in life? If it takes me 6 years to get things rolling, how long will it take to make it work?
Every teenager goes through a phase where they think the world is out to get them. I didn't really have that. I was in such shock when I was a teenager that it just went by, I didn't even see it going. But you know what, it is happening now. I don't know how it got to this point, but it did. I feel like I'm trying to hold on, by a thread, but it is slowly slipping away. And as it does, it hurts. It's like a paper cut. You can't see it, but it hurts like hell.
This time last year, things were going great. I had people around me who cared about me, I had a safety net, I had a good home, I was at Uni, I had stuff to do, I had dreams and ambitions. How did I lose all of that? How did I let it get to this point?
I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying as hard as I can. But I really can't do it alone. I don't even know if I can do it at all. I'd hate to become one of those people that just go through life, without caring, without trying. But I feel like that's what happening to me. It's painful to see people around me so happy. I hate giving them my problems. Everyone seems to have a dream. They are all so strong. I thought I was a very strong person. I've been told I'm a very strong person. But right now I am at that point where my strength is fading away. I've used it all up. It feels weird. I feel so numb. I've never had this feeling before. Actually, that's a lie. I had a similar feeling when I first moved here.
In one hand, I wanna try and move to a new place, away from people, and start from scratch, again. But I fear it would be so hard. So I just stay where I am. I want to let things go, I want to be close to people I truly care about. And I'm trying. I don't feel like I'm trying hard enough, but it is all that I have.
I don't need sympathy. I need people to shake me out of it. To help me achieve what it is that I want to achieve: happiness. Real happiness. In every aspect of my life. Is that too much to ask? Can people be TRULY happy? Does real happiness even exist? Do I deserve to be happy? Why would I deserve it more than other people? How an I be happy when I know so many people will never be?
This is frustrating. It keeps me up at night. Nothing would keep me up at night before. Now I can't sleep. There are too many thoughts going through my head.
All of this makes me sound emo. But that's not what it is. I'm just numb. Completly numb. I can't feel anything. I am not angry about my life, as I usually would be. I just feel pain, because of how numb I've become.
This is ridiculous. I NEED to shake out of it. I need to go out and get back to appreciating the good little things in life. Like a smile from a stranger. Or having someone hold the door open for you. Or seeing a younger person giving their seat to an older person. Or a simple "thank you". I need to know that people appreciate each other. And me.
No comments:
Post a Comment