So much is changing in my life. I can't keep up with it. Suddenly, everything is starting to spin out of control again. I thought I had it all figured out. But then, can you ever really figure out things if there are people involved? I find it hard to understand people. Their actions never make sense. I feel like most people around me are very honest to me. Maybe too honest sometimes. I love the fact that people listen to what I have to say, that people seem comfortable with telling me things, that people actually trust me with their secrets. But why do they? How can I deal with all of this? In a way, I feel like it is slowly destroying me. People vent to me and tell me things they don't tell others, yet I don't really do that as often as I should. It is getting to the point where I am about to explode. I need to learn to deal with my problems. I've got the 'dealing with other people's problems' worked out. I believe I give great advice and people actually make some sense of things I say. But why don't I use those things in my life? Why can't I work out my life, yet I can work out everyone else's? I need to be alone, yet I feel like I need my friends more than ever.
When you talk to people you don't really care about that much, the whole time you are talking, they are thinking "yeah yeah, whatever, I wanna do the talking now" and vice versa. People don't listen to each other. All they do is wait for their turn to talk. Yet with good friends, you actually absorb what they are saying, you get interested, you rather listen than talk when you feel like they have something to say. I sometimes feel like I do the 'good friend' way with people I don't really care about. I wanna listen to what people have to say, even if we aren't the best of friends. I rather listen to them than do the talking. It is a bit strange. But I guess it comes back to me not trusting people. I don't wanna bug people with my problems. My life isn't interesting enough for me to tell other people.
Whenever I am driving home alone at night time, or even when it is raining, once I get to this main rd near my house, I get this urge to just accelerate as fast as I possibly can and aim for a tree or any other stationary object. It sounds terrible, I know. I've never said this to anyone before. But it happens. Every time. It's been happening for a long time too. It sucks. I am not a suicidal person. I think suicide is selfish. Leaving behind people who care about you and hurting them on purpose just so you will be free is selfish. I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. Yet I get this urge. It's weird. Irrational.
Hopefully I will find a place to move out to very soon. And once that happens, I hope things will work themselves out. Once I get that space, that freedom. And if they don't, then I guess it was worth a try.
PS.: I seriously need to stop with these emo posts. But I really feel like I need to put this out somewhere. And knowing that people actually read this, even if no one says anything, it gives me a sense of relief. It's out there. Bringing it up in the first place is the hardest part. But once I do this, if someone actually mentions something to me, I feel like there are people out there who actually care and it isn't a one way street.
1 comment:
this is such a raw blog post, but I like it all the same. It's so difficult to tell what to do when it comes to your own problems, but seems so easy to help others with theirs. The whole thing about accelerating into a tree, I think we all get that sometimes. We don't actually want to kill ourselves, but we love the idea of having everyone miss us and people actually showing they care for you when you're gone. It's so weird, but your not the only one whose thought of these things. if you ever wanna chat I'm always open to listen, hopefully you can get that freedom you want.
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