It is saturday night and i have NOTHING to do (not including uni assignments, of course). Everyone is out and doing stuff and (clearly) i wasn't invited to anything. I haven't been in the best of moods and this lack of interest from other people just makes things worse. I guess you could say i'm in an emo mood. But whatever. It just sort of feels like i have no one to count on. And i mean that. I'm not close with many people. Ther's actually only one person (Rugiyya) who i can say i'm really good friends with and who i can count on. But at the same time, she has a boyfriend which means i don't get to see her as much as i used to (alone) anymore. I know this just sounds like a jealousy thing, but it isn't really that. I'm really happy that she is happy with Wesley and everything. And i mean that. But it just sucks i don't get to see her as much anymore. And because she is the only one i tell everything to and who truly knows me, i feel ignored all the time. Other people have their own lives and i'm not part of it. At least not a huge part. Everyone has friends i don't really know. I know quite random people. There's the unibar crew, who know lots of other people i don't. There's the uni people, who don't go out and i only hang around during uni. There's the high school friends who i see not often enough. And they don't know each other and they all have their own friends and bla bla bla.
You might say "oh, but you have a boyfriend, you should hang around him". But yet again, he has his own friends who i don't know and who he hangs around all the time. Like i said, a separate life that i'm not part of.
Everything is just a mess really.
I think it might have something to do with the 1 year anniversary of Murray's death. It is next sunday. The 21st. For the last few weeks it has been bugging me more than usual. I just hate thinking about it, it makes me so so sooo mad and sad. It just pops into my head all the time. And i get all weird and my eyes start watering and there's nothing i can do. And just thinking that everything that was part of my life when Murray was there is basically gone as well. All the people who know him, i don't talk to very often anymore. The one person who made me feel safe when it all happened, hates me now. And i hate all of that. It just angers me to see how much i screwed up the last year. This just reminds me that i can lose the people i once cared about so much (and still do really) any minute. And if something does happen to any of them, they won't know (just like Murray probably didn't know) how important they were and still are to me.
People don't know how much they mean to me. They don't realise that even after months of not talking to them, i still care about them so much and would go trough hell to help them anytime they needed me. They don't know that. They don't feel the same way about me and it just destroys me to think about it.
ugh this is so bad. This is all just a mess. I just feel like going to sleep for a few days and hope that when i wake up it will all be fixed. Right now i just wanna be alone. But at the same time i need to be around someone i truly care about. It's not gonna happen tho.
You might say "oh, but you have a boyfriend, you should hang around him". But yet again, he has his own friends who i don't know and who he hangs around all the time. Like i said, a separate life that i'm not part of.
Everything is just a mess really.
I think it might have something to do with the 1 year anniversary of Murray's death. It is next sunday. The 21st. For the last few weeks it has been bugging me more than usual. I just hate thinking about it, it makes me so so sooo mad and sad. It just pops into my head all the time. And i get all weird and my eyes start watering and there's nothing i can do. And just thinking that everything that was part of my life when Murray was there is basically gone as well. All the people who know him, i don't talk to very often anymore. The one person who made me feel safe when it all happened, hates me now. And i hate all of that. It just angers me to see how much i screwed up the last year. This just reminds me that i can lose the people i once cared about so much (and still do really) any minute. And if something does happen to any of them, they won't know (just like Murray probably didn't know) how important they were and still are to me.
People don't know how much they mean to me. They don't realise that even after months of not talking to them, i still care about them so much and would go trough hell to help them anytime they needed me. They don't know that. They don't feel the same way about me and it just destroys me to think about it.
ugh this is so bad. This is all just a mess. I just feel like going to sleep for a few days and hope that when i wake up it will all be fixed. Right now i just wanna be alone. But at the same time i need to be around someone i truly care about. It's not gonna happen tho.
3 comments:
maybe you should meet your friends' friends. then you can be part of the group.
<3
sim, sim, fight club é um dos meus filmes preferidos e eu me baseei nele um pouquinho. no início dele, pelo menos.
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