I have trust issues, everyone knows that. I have many layers and very few people know the real me. Everyone knows different versions of me, fronts I put on to protect myself. When I get close to someone and for some weird reason they start liking me (as a friend or more than that) the thing that scares me the most is letting them in. I'm scared that they won't like the real me, that they like the person I try to be, not the person I really am. Every time I get close to opening up to someone, shit happens. It always does. I don't think there's more than a handfull of people who know the real me. How scary is that?
Because of how I camuflage, I've been told I should get help. Do you know what I hate avout that? It's the fact that people around me don't realise one simple thing: I don't communicate well. Not to friends, let alone to a stranger. Do you really think i'd warm up to a complete stranger who I know is reading me and trying to figure me out? No thanks. Can't even get my friends to understand me, why would I go to a stranger?! It puzzles me that someone would even think I'd be interested in that.
I know what's my problem. I know exactly what's wrong with me. I don't need to get someone else to tell me. I know I am a heartless bitch to people. I know I've made mistakes. I know I've hurt people. Do I regret some of it? Yeah. But it's who I am. I have always been a loner. My own island. It won't change, no matter how hard I try. I can't open up to ppl again when I know shit is gonna happen. It always does. I always lose everyone I care about. It's a fact of my life.
It puzzles me that there are some people who stick around. It puzzles me that there are people who do care what happens.
I miss that time when things were simple and I was happy. I miss the time when I could really be myself and not by judged. I miss trusting people. Australia changed me and I can never get that old me back. The bubbly, happy 15 year old girl with no fears, only ambition. I've turned into someone I can't be proud of. And I just can't change. In a way, I don't wanna change. Because if I am happy again, it means everything can fall into pieces again.
How fucking sad is that? For fucks sake woman, snap out of it.
Because of how I camuflage, I've been told I should get help. Do you know what I hate avout that? It's the fact that people around me don't realise one simple thing: I don't communicate well. Not to friends, let alone to a stranger. Do you really think i'd warm up to a complete stranger who I know is reading me and trying to figure me out? No thanks. Can't even get my friends to understand me, why would I go to a stranger?! It puzzles me that someone would even think I'd be interested in that.
I know what's my problem. I know exactly what's wrong with me. I don't need to get someone else to tell me. I know I am a heartless bitch to people. I know I've made mistakes. I know I've hurt people. Do I regret some of it? Yeah. But it's who I am. I have always been a loner. My own island. It won't change, no matter how hard I try. I can't open up to ppl again when I know shit is gonna happen. It always does. I always lose everyone I care about. It's a fact of my life.
It puzzles me that there are some people who stick around. It puzzles me that there are people who do care what happens.
I miss that time when things were simple and I was happy. I miss the time when I could really be myself and not by judged. I miss trusting people. Australia changed me and I can never get that old me back. The bubbly, happy 15 year old girl with no fears, only ambition. I've turned into someone I can't be proud of. And I just can't change. In a way, I don't wanna change. Because if I am happy again, it means everything can fall into pieces again.
How fucking sad is that? For fucks sake woman, snap out of it.
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