Badass

Someone said to me the other day that they see me as a badass person. Strong, confident and not scared of anything. They said they couldn't imagine me screaming over something like seeing a snake near by. Or even screaming at someone. I find this quite weird. It seems that the way I see myself is nothing like the way other people see me. That can't be good, right?

I don't know how I can come across confident when in reality I have really low self steem. I don't know how I come across as strong if I am pessimistic and scared of so many things. I don't understand. I know I come across as a heartless evil bitch to so many people. But reality is, I get hurt way too often. I over think everything. I care too much. I'm not good at letting go.

There's so many things I know I should change. But deep down, the reason why I've never tried being a better person is because i've been hurt too many times so I don't want to have people hanging around who I care about when I know they'll end up leaving. Everyone always does. I've gotten used to being a loner. Don't trust people, don't share my life, don't depend on anyone. I'd like to say being my own island makes me happy. Truth is, I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my life. And that sucks.

I dislike what this blog has become. It is a depressive diary basically. But it's the onlything I have to get it all out. I can't say most of this stuff to people, face to face. So I hide behind this blog. It's weak. Depressive. Pointless. It feels like I am asking for people to feel bad for me. But I'm not. I hate when people feel bad for me. It makes things worse.