Don't tell me what I can't do

There's a lot of people out there who want what's best for me. I know they are trying to be helpful. I know the push they keep giving me comes from a loving place. But I hate it. Every conversation starts the same way. I get called lazy pretty much everyday by different people. It doesn't help. It doesn't matter how many jobs I apply for, how much photography I do, how productive I am at home. It all seems to not count for some people.

I hate being called lazy. I am not lazy.

It feels like the hole is getting deeper everyday. And everyday it becomes a little bit harder to motivate myself. The less motivated I am, the less likely I am to pull myself out of it.

I'm still stuck.

There's no faking it.

I think I've reached a point in my life where I need to get things sorted. I've got to the point where I don't want to be doing just any job, I don't want to just work to make money. If i don't like the work, if the people around me aren't the type of people I want around me, I shouldn't be working there in the first place. There's no point in whinging about it. There's no point in doing it for the money. If it will make me unhappy, I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to do it just for the money. I want to be able to enjoy my work, even if it isn't want I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I don't need to know what I want to be in the future. All I need to know is what I want todo now and who I want to be now. The future doesn't truly matter yet.

I'm not saying I should burn bridges and not care about building stepping stones to get me elsewhere. What I mean is, I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness right now for my future happiness. I'm not willing to be miserable now so I can be happy later. There's no point in letting myself get to this position when I know it just isn't worth it. I don't want to be one of those people. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and loom forward to going to work. Even if sometimes I wish I didn't have to, as long as most days it is good, that's all I ask for.

You can't get along with everyone. I get that. Some people you just have to put up with for a while. But there's a line. Once we cross that line, there's no going back. On the other side of that line is a place I don't wanna be in. If we don't see eye to eye and we have to work together everyday, it ain't gonna work sunshine. If what I need to get done depends on you getting your part done, that's called team work. If you can't pull your weight, you have no right to have a go at me for not pulling mine. It is totally unfair putting me under so much pressure, when it did my initial part a month ago and you have been procrastinating ever since. And now that is time to be finished, throwing it all on me doesn't work. There's only so much I can do.

I like learning, I like having new things to do, even if they are out of my comfort zone. But when I say I can't do something, I mean it. When I say I am not ok with doing something, I mean it. It isn't just a 'I can't be bothered learning' thing. It goes deeper than that. And you know that. I'll always make sure I explain myself when I don't want to do something. But forcing me to do it anyway, pushing me after you said it would never happen? Well, that is just bullshit. I shouldn't have to deal with it. And soon I won't have to deal with it anymore.