Vero's randomness

Australia Day

2012-01-26T14:03:00.001+10:30

This is the second year in a row where I spend Australia day at home alone. I don't know how I feel about that. Isolated? Left out? Dunno.

Where do I even start?

2012-01-21T20:42:00.002+10:30

First of all, I don't think I should even be near this computer after having 2 double blacks in less than an hour. But who cares, there's no one home to stop me.

Yeah that's right, I'm drinking at home alone. Whopsy-fucking-do. It's a first for me I have to say. And it fucking sucks.

I thought this year would be different. But guess what! It isn't. I still hate my job. I still wish my life was different. And now, to top it all ff, I wish I had found another place to live. I'm clearly not welcome here and it fucking sucks.

Yeah, you got it. I moved in with my boyfriend. Don;t ever do it. No all I get is "oh, I don't work, I'm a bum who does nothing all day, so you go to bed, I'm just gonna go play video games until 6 in the morning. And then I'll go to sleep. So I don't have to talk to you when you wake up". Awesome right? Get home, "oh, you know that ONE thing you asked me to do for the last 2 weeks, yeah sorry. Didn't have time. Spent all day playing video games". Well guess what: FUCK. YOU. I am so sick and tired of this bullshit.

GET A FUCKING LIFE. You are such a fucking child, it pisses me off.

That's not all! Do you think he listens to me? Talks to me about stuff? Listens to what I wanna say? Yeah right. When going out with my friends, he'll just wear shorts and converses so obviously he can't get in anywhere at night. Not to mention sitting in a corner looking bored and not talking to anyone so we will leave early. Yet, I still invite him. His friends invite him to go out? Suddenly he is showered, looking nice, with a bottle of fucking alcohol (even though he is driving), walking out the door without even inviting me. ON A FUCKING SATURDAY NIGHT. Yep.

That pretty much sums it up why I am now home alone drinking double blacks, crying and watching gilmore girls. Even though I promised myself I would not cry over him ever again. I guess I was wrong.

And now, from he looks of it, I guess I should be looking at another place to rent. He never invited me to come live here anyway. I mentioned it because my lease was running out. I don't think he wanted me to come live here.

Well, FUCK YOU.

I have not been this angry and upset at th same time in a very long time. I hate it.

DICKHEAD.

Start fresh?

2012-01-01T14:04:00.002+10:30

The beginning of a year is always about starting fresh, doing things differently. I don't think this year will be any better than last year. I doubt there will be less drama. I doubt people will be nicer. I doubt I will get any better. I doubt I will be happy again. I don't think I will ever be happy again. It sucks but I don't wanna fight it anymore. I need to realise that I don't need other people to be happy. I can be happy on my own. Being alone does not make me lonely. I can be happy by myself. I can do things. I can make things work. I don't need anyone's approval. The only person who needs to be ok with my decisions is me. Other people's opinions don't matter. What you do with your life will NOT have an impact on how I live my life.

I can do this. I can make myself happy. I can prove that I am not the selfish one around. You wanna mess up with my life? You wanna try and bring me down with you? Go ahead. Give it your best shot. I'm pretty sure I have some stage of depression so there is not much you can do. Your words will not bring me down. I'm better than that.

2012 will be a year about making decisions that will make me happy. It doesn't matter how it affects you. Because this year I will do things for me. I will be healthier for me. I will be happier for me. Why? Because I have always gone out of my way to be there for people and when I need someone, I can never find anyone. Always listening to other people's problems, never the one being listened to.

I fucking diserve this and you better believe it.

2011-12-29T18:40:00.000+10:30

Paranoia has set in again. I hate how broken I am.

2011-12-20T22:28:00.002+10:30

I hate this feeling I get and how often it comes around. This lonely feeling. Like no one cares and that I will forever be alone. I am alone and I feel lost. I hate it.

2011-12-17T16:42:00.000+10:30

I failed again. No new house for me.

2011-12-08T18:39:00.002+10:30

Got home and the first thing I did? Grab a box of chocolate, put spring rolls in the oven and open a can of double black. What a fucking shitty week. I need more than a drink. Maybe tomorrow.

It has been a few monts since i last cried.
Not anymore.
I fucking hate this fucking bullshit.

Too much?

2011-11-19T18:03:00.002+10:30

I know I am a bit of an over achiever and perfectionist. I want to do it all, right now, and I want to do it right. Making mistakes is not something I take lightly. Taking a step in the wrong direction doesn't make me feel good at all. You are probably thinking "you can't learn if you don't make any mistakes" and all that jazz. Yes, I agree. This is not me saying I don't MAKE mistakes. This is me saying I HATE making mistakes. That's probably why I don't take too many chances.

For some reason I have now found myself doing so much more than I expected to be doing and walking straight into the dark. I feel lost, confused, excited, freaked out and nervous. All at the same time. Even if I haven't made anything official, the fact that things are happening is a very big step for me.

I've been working full time for about a year and a half now. It is quite exhausting, I have to admit. Not to mention a bit repetitive. That's probably why I got myself into the situation I'm in now. "What situation is that?" you may ask. Well, I now have 2 jobs, looking for one more, wanting to go back to volunteering and trying to find a house to buy. All of that and still trying to have a social life, a boyfriend and see my family every week. I don't think I have enough hours on my days, but I'm up for the challenge. I work 9am till 5.30pm monday to friday + every second saturday morning in an admin/marketing role. I then go do event photography on friday/saturday night, around 6pm till midnight. I also want to volunteers on saturday/sunday afternoon for the busy christmas period. Not to mention I want to catch up with my friends and family during the week.

All of that is pretty simple, right? So to add some extra stress I have decided to buy a house. Why? Because I rather put money towards something that will be mine one day than pay someone else's mortgage. Checking with the bank for a loan: done! Finding an affordable. nice house I like: hopefully done. That's right. I think I found THE house. Will hopefully check it out this week and make an offer.

This is all so scary and it makes me feel so grown up. I am not sure if that is good or not. I've always been responsible, but being grown up is different. Every time I tell someone I want to buy a house I get the same shocked kinda look of "a house? you are only 23!". Or even the "you're settling" speech. I don't get it though. I can take the loan. I work full time. I need to live somewhere. The longer I wait to buy a house, the more money I will waste on rent. his isn't permanent. The whole "you'll be stuck in adelaide forever" bullshit makes me angry. It is a house, it can be sold, I can MAKE money out of it. Very simple. Now get over it.

So what I get into so much debt that I need help from someone? I won;t know until I risk it all. I feel like I'm playing a very important poker hand. My choices are: fold and stay on the safe side or go all in and hope for the best. It can all end very badly. But it could turn out great too. I'll never know until I try. And that, my friend, is how I live my life now. Unless there is a very good reason stopping me from taking a chance, I will just go for it. I;m not scared of getting hurt anymore.

Do you hear that, old me? I AM NOT SCARED. I can't get hurt unless I let myself feel that way. I will not be pessimistic about my life anymore. It is time to make the most of it.

There is no turning back

2011-11-02T18:14:00.002+10:30

I like to think I am a good friend. Sometimes i know I don't come across that way and it seems that I don't really care. But the truth is, you hurt one of my friends, I lose respect for you. And respect is very hard to get back.

I know I have done some stupid shit in my time and threated people like crap. But I have never stepped all over someone. I have never broken someone's heart like that. Truth is, people leave me. I have never broken up with someone I was in a relationship with. It does suck, but it is true. And when people break up there better be a good reason. Wanting to be a massive whore is NOT a good reason. It is not even a good excuse! You break his heart, you deservetwice as much pain as you have caused him. Karma is a fucking bitch.

I am not too good with small talk. But when people just want to vent, I'm a good listener. If they wanna bitch with someone, I'm happy to be that someone. If they just wanna sit around watching tv and drinking, I'm happy to do that too. I'm more than happyto just be there.

I believe I am a good friend. But there are people who just won't giveme the time of day to tell them how sorry I am about all the shit I have done. And that sucks big time.

I'm not too good with forgiving but every now and then you will come across someone who you want to keep in your life.

I hope things change. I hope people grow up. I hope some whore out there get what she deserves. She will get her heart broken and when that day comes she will realise that he was the best thing that ever happened to her.

2011-10-01T01:32:00.002+09:30

Note to self: driving aimlessly at 1.30am on a friday night with a broken heart, confused head and very upset will not always end well. Escaped a bad crash this time. Might not b so lucky the next.

I will b hidding away in my bed until parklife, if u need me.

2011-09-29T20:04:00.003+09:30

Don't fucking lie to my face. Don't pretend like everything is ok. I don't trust you because you are full of shit. I don't see the point in making time for you anymore because all i'm gonna get is tired version of u who would rather be hanging out with other friends. You shouldn't even be with me. It's obvious it is not what you want. Stop being a fucking bitch and own up to the fact that you don't give a shit and you regret choosing me. Go on. Everyone knows it. All you need to do is stop pretending. I'm a big girl, i can handle it.

Don't let the bastards get you down

2011-09-27T05:56:00.001+09:30

I haven't been able to have a proper night of sleep since sunday. On my way to work, i get this weird feeling in my chest. Like palpitations(?). I don't know what's going on but i don't like not getting sleep and looking like a zombie. I haven't eaten much either.

I could very easily punch someone in the face. I need a break from life.

Self sabotage

2011-09-18T20:13:00.002+09:30

Someone pointed out the other day how much i self sabotage. I never really noticed it before to be honest. But it is true. I do it all the time. I screw things up in my life because i don't think i deserve to be happy. I know it's wrong and i don't do it on purpose. It just happens. When things start going really well but i see a friend who is not doing so good, i get this feeling that i shouldn't be happy. That i don't deserve to be happy when someone else around me is miserable. Self sabotage. It sucks.

This time around i'm not gonna let it happen.
Things are good and i'm happy.
I won't let my crazy side destroy it. This one is too important.

And it comes around again

2011-09-05T21:37:00.002+09:30

September has never been a good year for me. People tend to leave for good at this time of year. And this year it will be en worse. First time ever that i have spent my sister's bday + my bday away from her. Wouldn't say i'm happy about this.

Every year september creeps (?) up on me. This is no different. Just when things are starting to work out and i am feeling happy again, it comes around. It's like it sits there and mocks me. Can i skip this month? At least skip a few days?

I miss that time when i didn't know better. When i didn't have a reason to cry. When i didn't know what loosing someone felt like.

I miss you. Is this ever gonna get easier? Doesn't feel like it will.

2011-09-04T17:33:00.001+09:30

I miss Murray.

2011-09-04T17:14:00.002+09:30

I hate how self obsessed people can be. Not everything is about you, sweetheart. Most people won't even remember you exist most of the time. That's how plain you are. You just don't stand out. And trust me, you didn't "destroy my life" like you seem to think. I'm the one who is happy now, not you.

On another note, I've managed to find a way to be ignore things that I have no control of. I didn't think I could do it. But I did. And I am better for it now. Not as angry. And I can honestly say I have stopped pretending. I still haven't managed to let go of certain things from my past, but one day. At least I can deal with them now.

Spring is here. I don't like the getting sun burnt part of it all, but the sunshine makes me happier. It makes me procrastinate less. It makes me want to get up in the morning and go outside without freezing to death. The warmth just makes me happier. Pretty simple, but pretty big. It really helps.

I feel like I have a lot to say but I don't know what it all is.

I'm gonna go and catch up on some true blood for now.

Got to be free

2011-08-23T21:40:00.003+09:30

I didn't use to believe the whole 'actions speak louder than words' speech. But now I do. I don't really like it though. Sometimes I wish I could just believe what people say, without having to consider their actions. The fact that people continue to play me like this annoys me. I'm not an idiot. I know so much more than I let you believe. I'll admit, I play dumb sometimes to see if people will be honest with me. A lot of the time they prove that most people just can't be trusted.

I have opinions. A lot goes on in my head. Not many people care enough to hear me out. 3 very good friends have been around for the last few years and they are the only people who listen to what I have to say. One of them doesn't even know how important he is in my life. Everyone else just doesn't get me. They don't wanna hear what I have to say. And when they do, they'll change the subject first chance they get. I shouldn't even keep these people around. It messes up with my head. It only proves to me that I can be truly happy with only those 3 people around. Is that sad? I think it is ok. I was fine a year ago with them. And the year before that. Can't things be like that again? I don't like change. I don't like wasting my time with things that are pointless to me. If you wanna stick around, learn to show that you care. Or someone else will.

Just an ordinary day

2011-08-15T08:29:00.002+09:30

I have done absolutely nothing productive this weekend. Stayed inside most of the time ans somehow still managed to catch a cold. It sucks.

Someone told me i don't go outside enough. That i should get out there more often. I don't really care what they say. I like being at home/inside. I'm allowed to b as lazy as i like. I guess i will go back to being lazy on my own now rather than waste other people's days. This is one (of many) reasons why relationships don't really work for me. I don't feel the need to do something. I like doing nothing and just having someone around. I like doing it on my own too. I don't think i'll ever find someone as lazy as me. Oh well.

In the last week i have confirmed what i wanna do with my life (when it comes to work): be a portrait/event photographer. It gives me a certaib rush to do it. And i've been told i have a good eye so that just makes me want to do it even more! I just need to stay focused. And keep people around me who understand. Not everyone does. Not everyone cares. But i do have a couple of friends who believe in me. So thats enough. She will always be happy to help me out and go to places with me. He will always push me and teach me what he k ows that i lack. It's been a good journey and it will keep getting better :)

Be the love generation

2011-08-10T20:54:00.002+09:30

I have a bad habit of letting things get to me and getting upset/frustrated about it later. Today, I have made a promise to myself: I will not let things that I can't control get the best of me. There's no point in getting angry at people who don't take you seriously. Not worth it. There's no point in getting upset about things that already happened. They can't be changed. There's no point in getting stressed and worrying about other people that are not important. You can't influence someone who doesn't even care about themselves. Life goes on. I wanna be happy and care free. I need to let some things go. I'm working on it. I really am. I'm glad I have someone around who always makes me happy :)

You are stronger than you think

2011-08-02T19:34:00.002+09:30

I'm slowly sinking into that lovely mode I have when I just don't care. The music in my car gets louder everyday. My patience gets lower. The amount of swearing goes up. The level of caring sinks to the bottom. I don't believe itis depression. I know I can shake myself out of it at any time. I've done it before and I know I will get over this again. But I haven't figured out how to skip this middle part. I'll learn one day.

Relationships have never been my thing. I've never enjoyed commitment. I get bored too easily. I wish I could just never be in a relationship and not hurt anyone at the same time. I know it will never happen, but i can dream.

It's only tuesday and I've already had 2 very shitty days. I believe things will go downhill until the end of the week, wheni get to stay at home on my own for a good 24 hours without having to see ortalk to anyone. I like weekends. I dislike people. I'd go far enough to say i hate people. They'll never stop hurting me and i don't seem to learn. But it's ok. I'll just keep pretending until i figure something out.

No sense

2011-08-01T21:45:00.002+09:30

People are always happy to judge me. Everyone seems to think I'm heartless and mean. Why? Because i'm honest. If i don't like you, i won't be around you. It's quite simple. People don't pretend to like me because i make sure i'm only around people i do care about and who actually wanna b around me. Fake is not a good look for me. I'm not good at acting like i care about someone who i don't.

I don't understand people who hang around people they don't like. I thought i was the only one who felt that way about someone, but after mentioning it to someone i have realised i'm not alone. People who are very close to them are sick of their bullshit. How can they not see? I mean, i get people need attention and such, but that's a bit far. This innocent fragile actis getting old. U r not as innocent as you pretend to be. Am i the only one who sees this? How can u even have friends? U r so plain, boring and fake. Sleeping with someone after a few days of 'going out' goes against your innocent look. So drop it sweetheart.

With me, you get what you see. No faking. If i wanna do something, i will. Don't force me though. I hate being pushed to do something i am not comfortable with.

On another note, great decision u made there. Made me feel pretty worhless. Hope she was worth it.

Oh man i need sleep. And better things to blog about.

2011-07-21T22:28:00.002+09:30

I know I keep saying I've given up on ppl and somehow I'm still involved with ppl. I want to just move away from everyone and everything so badly. Just get out and never look back. No one's life would change apart from mine. I'm not a big part of anyone's life so it wouldnt exactly matter. Why don't I do it? Too much effort. It's easier to just pretend than actually b active about what you want.

What do I want? For drama queens to get fucked. For selfish people to get fucked. Grow up. That's what people need to do. Shit happens, get over it so other ppl can too. Theres no point in me getting over it if everyone else involved still bitches.

Dear ungly face bitch: i didnt fucking steal ur fucking bf. You cant go through a break up when u r not even in a fucking relationship. Get over urself u fucking ugly bitch.

U, in the center, pretending like u give a shit about everyone. I know how much of a back sabbing whore you are. It will never change. One day everyone will know.

U, in the corner. Back off. Its none of ur fucking business so dont get involved. I know u r not on my side so dont fucking act like u r. U dont care, i get it. Stop pretending. This innocent look doesnt suit u.

U r a different breed of ppl. No one gives a shit about u. Never have, never will. Y? Because u dont give a shit about anyone else. Simple as that. Karma is a fucking bitch.

If any of this sounds familiar n make u feel guilty n think 'is this about me?' , it probably is.

The difference

2011-06-30T07:46:00.003+09:30

There are 2 types of people out there: those who complaign about things and those who get shit done.

The people who complaign are those who find things wrong all around them. 'There's dust everywhere. Why can't the cleaner do his job properly.' - goes back to doing whatever they were doing. Will complaign about the same thing later.

The people who get shit done are those who will probably complaing first but find a solution after. 'There's dust everywhere. Why can't the cleaner do his job properly.' - picks up something to clean the dust with. Cleans it. Tells the cleaner to be more careful next time. Will they complaign again about the same problem? Probably not.

I like to think I get shit done. And I hate sitting around and hear the complaigns from those who do nothing. Yes I understand you can't fix everything, but there's always something small that can be done. You can't control other people, but if you have the right mindset, there's a lot you can change. Little things are easy: stand up and make sure people know there's a better, easier way to do something that will stop the whinging. Big things? Campaign. Take it slow.

If everyone would just shut the fuck up and get out there and fucking do something, we'd have less stressed people and a much better world. One person does make a difference.

This isn't about changing the world overnight. This is about changing the mindset of people so things work smoother. Your bus is late and you got to work late? Catch an earlier bus next time. You can't change trafgic. You can't change the timetable. Complaigning to the metro ppl won't really help. They are doing what they can ad rather than wait for them to change for you, change what you do. It's fucking simple and I don't know why people can't get that!

2011-06-28T21:29:00.000+09:30

Quem nao tem teto de vidro que atire a primeira pedra.

Mid year madness

2011-06-26T08:26:00.003+09:30

It's that time of the year again when people go crazy. End of financial year brings the worst in people. Everything has to be done before the year is over. It's like a bomb will go off if shit doesn't get done. The sad thing is, most of that could be avoided if people were a little bit more organised. There is so much unecessary stress! Not to mention stocktake. Something that could be finished in a couple of hours ends up taking a whole day. It's just counting! Not rocket science!

Anyway, this is the second weekend I have had pretty much no alcohol or social interaction. Feels weird. But I think my body needed a bit of a break. Next weekend I shall go back to my alcoholic ways. Fun!

I was told the other day I have a way of forcing people to drink. Is that bad? Not like I get really drunk all the time. But I seem to be able to convince other people to drink. Someone asked if I bully ppl to drink because I was bullied as a kid (being a redhead and all). He said it as a joke, butI am pretty sure it's true! I don't consider myself a bully, though. I think I'm more honest and really have no shame of lettig people know the truth. Good or bad, that's how it is. It can be bad sometimes, but usually I help people realise what's going on without forcing my view into them. Not like I keep saying the same thing. I'll say it like I see it and chances are I won't bring that up again later on.

What a mess of a post. I should go back to sleep.

Go back to where you came from

2011-06-23T22:31:00.003+09:30

The doco on sbs, 'go back to where you came from' is very full on. The bogan girl makes me want to punch her in the face every time she talks. The ignorance of some people makes me very angry. Those are the people that give south australians a bad name. Not to mention they are the one reproducing like rabbits.

But that wasn't my point. That show hasn't changed how I feel about refugees. Yes they should be helped, but letting certain people into the country is like shooting yourself in the foot. Unless they are willing to make a better life, work, study, be productive somehow and adapt, they will bring us down. There is not enough rehabilitation for when they get here. For fucks sake, it's a culture shock. You can't expect them to adapt on their own.

On the other side, this is a bandaid situation. You can bring as many people as you want, it won't solve the problem. Don't ask me how, but shouldn't we be spending more time trying to solve the problem? Australia has some brilliant minds. Huge hearts and countless people wanting to make a difference. Then why not use them to help other countries so that we don't get ours invaded with refugees? I know it would take time. But every journey starts with a single step. Keep bringing people in, but try to help the people and country they left behind.

And then for some reason people still support the war. Ofcourse, fight violence with violence. Yeah. Makes sense right? 2011 and still acting like we were in the early days.

Let's start over

2011-06-21T22:28:00.002+09:30

Ok. Let's get over this emo self destructing phase. Back to happy (even if only sometimes and on the surface) Vero. Now GO.

Misfits. That show makes me happy. In a weird fucked up way. It's funny. And the characters are awesome. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. Because my opinion matters. Yeah, you know it does.

Tell a stranger?

2011-06-20T21:53:00.002+09:30

I have trust issues, everyone knows that. I have many layers and very few people know the real me. Everyone knows different versions of me, fronts I put on to protect myself. When I get close to someone and for some weird reason they start liking me (as a friend or more than that) the thing that scares me the most is letting them in. I'm scared that they won't like the real me, that they like the person I try to be, not the person I really am. Every time I get close to opening up to someone, shit happens. It always does. I don't think there's more than a handfull of people who know the real me. How scary is that?

Because of how I camuflage, I've been told I should get help. Do you know what I hate avout that? It's the fact that people around me don't realise one simple thing: I don't communicate well. Not to friends, let alone to a stranger. Do you really think i'd warm up to a complete stranger who I know is reading me and trying to figure me out? No thanks. Can't even get my friends to understand me, why would I go to a stranger?! It puzzles me that someone would even think I'd be interested in that.

I know what's my problem. I know exactly what's wrong with me. I don't need to get someone else to tell me. I know I am a heartless bitch to people. I know I've made mistakes. I know I've hurt people. Do I regret some of it? Yeah. But it's who I am. I have always been a loner. My own island. It won't change, no matter how hard I try. I can't open up to ppl again when I know shit is gonna happen. It always does. I always lose everyone I care about. It's a fact of my life.

It puzzles me that there are some people who stick around. It puzzles me that there are people who do care what happens.

I miss that time when things were simple and I was happy. I miss the time when I could really be myself and not by judged. I miss trusting people. Australia changed me and I can never get that old me back. The bubbly, happy 15 year old girl with no fears, only ambition. I've turned into someone I can't be proud of. And I just can't change. In a way, I don't wanna change. Because if I am happy again, it means everything can fall into pieces again.

How fucking sad is that? For fucks sake woman, snap out of it.

How strange

2011-06-18T22:09:00.004+09:30

This is the first weekend in a very long time that I don't go out or drink any alcohol. It feels strange. Having a quiet weekend is not something I am used to anymore. But it's kinda good. Catching up on sleep is pretty awesome. But then I know I will over sleep and just get more tired. Oh well.

I shot a few guns today. It wasn't what I expected. When I first got ready and was there, in front of the gun, with the ear protection and heard the guy say 'go' I kinda freaked out. When I first held the gun and loaded it, I was shaking a bit. Didn't see that one coming. When I heard the first bang of someone else shooting next to me, I must say I jumped a bit. After a few shots, I calmed down and just had fun. Can't say I am great at it, but then I've always known my aim sucks. But it was worth it. After we were done, we watched someoneshoot a rifle. Fuck that stuff is full on. I don't think I'll have the balls to shoot one of those anytime soon.

Worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum

2011-06-16T22:07:00.003+09:30

I got told today that I think outside the box. That rather than taking te easy way to solve things, I'll come up with a new idea. Even for simple things. I was also told that I am such a logic person that it is like my logic tell my brain how to control y emotions. I never thought about any of this like that. I've never seen myself as someone who thinks outside the box. Ueah I am logical, but never realised I could have that much power over my emotions.

I am quite surprised and freaked out, I have to say. Maybe this will be useful in the future. No one has managed to figure me out yet, not even me. Maybe now I will.

Note to self: logic isn't always a good choice.

Girls will run the world

2011-06-15T22:17:00.003+09:30

3 posts in 3 days? Wow. I either need to go back to being social (which i haven't stopped doing, really) or i need to learn how to fall asleep again. What happened to sleeping 9+ hours every night? Now i have a couple of hours of sleep and i feel fine the next day. Strange.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to blog about.

So i posted on friendface (It crowd? Anyone?) that i will be shooting a gun for the first time this weekend. Hasn't been more than a couple of hours and people have reacted in all sorts of ways. Most ppl seem excited and slightly scared. A girl and a gun? ME and a gun? Could end in disaster. You should be glad you won't be around to see. But then there are people trying to be 'a gun? Wtf r u thinking? *insert some anti war bullshit here*'. I don't get that. I can't see anything wrong with firing a legal, registered weapon in a contained space filled with people who know what they are doing. It's not like i'm going out there and shooting people or animals. 'Oh you are helping the gun trade' or some bullshit. Well at least I'm not being a fucking druggie and doing something illegal, you retard.

Live by what you preach. Don't bend the rules to suit you. You either believe in something or you don't. Making up your own rules doesn't give you the right to act morally correct. There is nothing wrong with trying something new if it isn't illegal and won't get anyone hurt.

Go judge someone else. I've been judged enough. Give me a break. Accept that people have different opinions and stop trying to force your opinions into everyone else. It's simple. There's nothing wrong with having an opinion and voicing it in a civilized and sane way. But don't push it. People are different. Why can't we accept that?

For real?

2011-06-14T23:19:00.002+09:30

How many time do u think u can make the same mistake before u learn? I'm up to about 4 and i don't think i've learnt anything yet. But then it's just my life so doesn't truly matter. This is a mistake i keep making and everytime it happens, i come out feeling stupid, rejected and lonely and the other person involved comes out feeling good, loved and happy. I'd like to b on the other side one day. But at the same time, i've given up trying to b happy about 6 years ago. Wow. That's a long time.

What HAVE i learnt? People don't change. People are selfish. Karma is a bitch. Your destiny always catches up with you. Life isn't fair. People die. People get sick.

I've got so many people around me who wish me happiness yet I only get close to those who are indifferent. I should be happy about my life. Even though i haven't had a proper day of eating in a few weeks and feel sick to my stomach all the time. I should still b happy about what i have. Instead i fake it. Fake it till u make it right? There r so many ppl who believe in this fake happy version of me. Thats how good i've gotten at hiding how i feel. Why? Because i's easier. 6 years ago I learnt that if you have no expectations, you can't get hurt. I have lived my life by that since that day. Seems to work.

I really shouldnt open myself this much here. I dont even know who reads this. Not to mention it is pointless. Maybe i should go back to having a diary. Those were the days...

Dream

2011-06-13T20:15:00.002+09:30

I've always been a huge believer that you should follow your dream, whatever that dream is. I always encourage people to take risks. Always. I don't always live by that, but I'm always the one telling people to go for it if it's somethig they really wanna do and/or really believe in.

I thought by now I would have my life sorted. That I would have a dream to follow. But it hasn't quote worked out that way. Whenever someone asks me what I wanna do with my life, who I wanna be, what's my dream, I don't know what to say. I keep changing my mind, simply beause I don't have a clear view of what I want. Well, kinda. A big part of it is that I don't believe in myself, I don't believe I can be whoever I wanna be and do whatever I wanna do. That's strange, considering how bossy and strong minded I am.

If someone asks me to do something that I think I can't do, I will prove them I'm capable. Always. I never give up and I always get what I set my mind into. But when it comes to living for myself, I feel like I've hit a huge brick wall and can't figure out how to go around it.

Do I wanna have my own business? Do I wanna be a photographer? Do I wanna manage people? Do I wanna plan events? Do I wanna work at a magazine?

I don't know.

I know what you're thinking 'you're too young, there's still plenty of time to figure it out'. But that's not how I see it. I feel unmotivated. I need a dream. Something to work towards. I don't like just floating around. I meed a goal, an aim. I don't know how to figure it out. Trial and error is not my style. I'm too scared for that. I'm so scared of failing that I don't even try.

I need to try new things. I need to open my mind to new ideas, new people with different mind sets.

As good as it all sounds, I can't figure out how to start.

2011-06-08T20:41:00.001+09:30

Plug your headphones straight into my heart
Coz i want you to know what i'm talking about

Please, don't go breaking my heart
I only have one
I only have one...

Badass

2011-06-05T22:10:00.002+09:30

Someone said to me the other day that they see me as a badass person. Strong, confident and not scared of anything. They said they couldn't imagine me screaming over something like seeing a snake near by. Or even screaming at someone. I find this quite weird. It seems that the way I see myself is nothing like the way other people see me. That can't be good, right?

I don't know how I can come across confident when in reality I have really low self steem. I don't know how I come across as strong if I am pessimistic and scared of so many things. I don't understand. I know I come across as a heartless evil bitch to so many people. But reality is, I get hurt way too often. I over think everything. I care too much. I'm not good at letting go.

There's so many things I know I should change. But deep down, the reason why I've never tried being a better person is because i've been hurt too many times so I don't want to have people hanging around who I care about when I know they'll end up leaving. Everyone always does. I've gotten used to being a loner. Don't trust people, don't share my life, don't depend on anyone. I'd like to say being my own island makes me happy. Truth is, I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my life. And that sucks.

I dislike what this blog has become. It is a depressive diary basically. But it's the onlything I have to get it all out. I can't say most of this stuff to people, face to face. So I hide behind this blog. It's weak. Depressive. Pointless. It feels like I am asking for people to feel bad for me. But I'm not. I hate when people feel bad for me. It makes things worse.

Way to go

2011-06-05T01:08:00.002+09:30

Every guy I have ever had feelings for has managed to screw me over big timr. There are no exceptions. There is one guy who is different, which is refreshing. To know that someone truly cares about u to the point where they will put their feelings aside to work things out and be friends above anything else is refreshing. I need more people like that around. I need less of the needy, obsessive type around. Less of girls who are totally fucked in the head and don't think about anything but themselves. Less of fake friends. More of friends who stick around during good and bad times.
I've learnt to forgive people and let things go. But those people are always the ones who hurt me the most in the end. Those are the people who will go out of their way for revenge.
Revenge is a bad thing. I got over it a while ago. But I seem to be the only one who has.
Have I mentioned that people are fucked?
Yes, I get it, you were abused. But that doesn't give you the right to abuse other people for your own happines. You should know better. And guess what, it ain't gonna work. You'll neer get what you want. You'll get abused again. Because karma is a fucking bitch.
If I was over this cold, I'd be drinking very heavily right now. Will do it as soon as I get healthier. Alcoholic coma? Would be a break from reality. So would crashing into a tree.
Life is brutal. I should have learnt by now. People aren't worth it. They always screw you over. Nothing never changes.

I hope you realize how worthless you are. I really do. Because everyone else knows.

Some things never change

2011-05-29T18:56:00.003+09:30

I don't really understand why there are certain things that just stick around. Feelings that don't change. In the last year, so much has happened yet not much has changed. Somehow i find myself in the same place i was a year ago: confused. I don't know how i feel or what i should do. The difference is, now I am willing to try something new. I'm up to the point where anything goes. Whatever happens will be just fine.

I need someone to shake me out of this so I can figure out what to do. I don't seem to be able to do it alone.

Feelings are tricky. Sometimes you'l find that one person who you have the weirdest love hate relationship with. It puzzles me how it even works. But it just does. No matter what they do, you seem to always be able to get over it. Is that a good thing? Or is it just stupid? I don't like not knowing what to do. I don't like this feeling of liking someone you didn't expect you would like. It is just strange.

I think I need more sleep. I'm becoming a bit dilusional. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

People

2011-05-15T10:23:00.002+09:30

I don't get people. I never really got people before, but now it is getting to the point where I don't understand human behaviour at all. How do people change their mind so quickly? Without any reason. Why do people betray other people for no reason? Why do people gossip so fucking much? It is none of their business. Not to mention it is bullshit and completly made up. I got to a point where Ithink I will just stop trying all together. I don't see the point in keeping relationships around me with people who don't care at all. If a 'friend' doesn't trust you, thinks you're a whore and doesn't listen to a word u say, what's the point of keeping them around?
People are fucked. It's that simple. And I am sick of trying to make friendships work just to keep getting stabbed in the back over and over again.
You know what's one of the cruelest thing someone can do? Delete you from facebook. Say to everyone else that they don't care. Being ignored is better than being deleted. I know it sounds weird, but it's true. You'll only believe me when it happens to you, though.

2011-05-01T08:06:00.001+09:30

Nothing has changed since my last post. Well, sort of. Things got worse even though i didn't think that was possible. Why don't I learn my lesson?!

2011-03-28T21:10:00.003+10:30

Trying to keep myself busy. That's all I do now. I don't do things because I want to. I do them to keep me busy n out of trouble. I sleep all weekend. I blame everyone else. I'm obviouspy the problem here n I don't know how to fix it. Better yet, I don't wanna fix it. It isn't worth it. I gave up a longtime ago. Now I'm just sitting around waiting for my life to pass me by. That's how it will always b now. N i don't care anymore. I'm way beyond that. I have truly given up n I don't wanna go back. It's easier this way. Being numb is easier. Simpler. Can't hurt me anymore. No one can.

2011-03-03T07:19:00.002+10:30

My life is sarting to spin out of control again and I hate it. There's nothin happening right now that I can control. I'm getting very stressed out, I'm starting to get that feeling of loneliness again, that no one cares. And this time, I know no one cares. I play in my head how my funeral would go. And that bloody sucks. I can't think of more than 5 people who would actually come. And you know why? Because I don't matter. I've never made a difference in anyone's life, I've never acomplished anything good, I've never done anything to be proud of. It hurts. I just don't know how to change it. I'm to scared to do anything and take any risks. So instead, I pretend like everything is fine.

Back to being a robot now.

2011-01-23T18:48:00.002+10:30

It's only the beginning of the year but I eel like so much has changed. People are different. Things are different. It's a bit weird. There are people who I never hung around before and now I can tell everything to. At the same time, there are people who I was really close to and now make me wanna punch them in the face. Ugh. Frustrating. I guess I have to stop pretending like things and people don't change. Everyone changes. I can't control how people act. Doesn't matter how many times I tell them something, some people just don't get it. In the end, someone will get hurt. I tried to stop it, I tried to warn them but obviously they are too focused on whatever to even listen so not my problem.

There are things I do that I shouldn't. I say things I shouldn't. I hurt people without meaning to. I like being detached from everyone and be able to shut my feeling down and not feel anything sometimes. It is nice. But I know it will hurt someone in the end. But I shouldn't have to stop hanging out with someone I like being around just because it upsets someone else. Jealousy is bad and drives people away. There are too many overprotective people out there and I just can't handle them. I like being free and it will stay that way for as long as I want. You don't like it? Don't be a part of it. It's my life and my decision.

I've grown so much in the last year and it makes me feel good about myself. I can do whatever I want. I can accomplish whatever I want. I don't need to have someone around. I get bored, it's that simple. Being free is good and it makes me happy. Having separate groups of friends is good. It gets bitchy and weird every now and then, but I rather have it this way.

Spending quality time with people is something I didn't do much of before. It was always group situations. Now I am close enough to people around me to be able to just hang out, go to the movies, go for a walk, have a nice talk. I've been told I'm nice and easy to talk to and that is something I never thought I was before. It's a good change.

On another note, I got a new camera (Nikon D40) and it makes everything look amazing.

2010-12-30T14:37:00.005+10:30

"When many little people in many little places
Do many little things, then the whole world changes"
-Michael Franti

He's coming to Adelaide next year again. *melts* Don't even need to tell you I'll be going right?!

It's almost the end of the year. This year went by so quickly.

This year (in no real order)...

Lu graduated

I graduated
We went to france

I went zombie for a night

My cousin came from the USA and we went to Sydney

We went to Parklife

We had a masquerade party

I lived with a pig of a housemate

I went out and drank. Lots. Every friday and saturday.

We went to Big Day Out.

I got my heart broken and repaired. I found amazing people. I realised who my real friends are. I laughed. I cried. I went to Melbourne for a night. I found a full time job. I found an awesome new house mate. I got back in contact with old friends who turned out to be amazing to me. I blamed lots of things on alcohol. I danced until I couldn't dance no more. I stayed out until the sun was up. I had fights and arguments. I got an iPhone. I made people cry. I was brutally honest. I had a crazy taxi driver who felt asleep on the wheel. I went to pubcrawls. I designed pubcrawl tshirts. I got yelled at for no reason. I bought lots of things I don't need. I went on dates. I ditched peope. I avoided people. I got dragged into fights. I bitched. I saw my family after spending years without seeing them. I ate amazing food. I donated plasma. I volunteered at the fringe and Oxfam.

In the last year my life has completely changed. I'm out of my parents' house. I have a full time job. I have responsabilities. I don't have a lot of spare time anymore. I wanna buy a house. I wanna get a dog. I lost connection with a few friends and have been slapped in the face by others. But I can honestly say I am happy. There are a couple of people out tere I know I can count on, no matter how bad things get. They are there when I'm upset. They are there when I am happy. They go out and dance and get drunk with me. They have time to see me. They know who they are :)

2010 was a good year. I haven't had such a good year in a while.

New years resolution? Keep going out every weekend. Laugh more. Be more spontaneous. Go to more music festivals (so far, Michael Franti, BDO and Future Music are set).

I'll see you all in the new year :)

No happy ever afters, just happy for right nows

2010-11-05T18:52:00.002+10:30

"Happiness is fine but its momentary. A momentary lapse of reality. Reality is fine, for the moment it can wait, I'm addicted to the chase of my happiness" - It can wait - Illy

Big night out bus

2010-10-31T11:50:00.003+10:30

Last night was my first time on the big night out bus. I went in expecting things to be dodgy and the drinks to suck. But it was so much fun! The loud music, everyone having a great time and the punch was actually really good! All you can drink puch... yum! I had a really good night. One of the best nights I've had in a while. But not looking forward to people adding photos on facebook. Sigh.

On another note, I'd like to stop attracting really weird guys. Maybe it's the hair, maybe it's the way too colourful stockings. But either way, it should stop! So I was on the line to get into supermild (I was alone, meeting up a friend inside). And there's this guy in front of me who starts staring. So I try to ignore him, but after a while it gets a bit uncomfortable. So I looked at him n kinda smiled. Something I shouldn't have done. He started talking with this really thick n weird accent. "I just wanted to say I really like you. You look interesting" *Vero smiles awkwardly* Thankfully, the line moved and he had to get in. So I thought 'hey, that coudl've been worse'. But when I was inside, for the minute or so I was alone after meeting up with my friend and waiting for him to go get a drink, this freak comes back and sits next to me. "Is he your boyfriend?" *Vero acts akwardly and kind of rolls eyes* "Just tell me if he is and I'll go away. I just really like you. I like interesting people. In Siberia people think I'm interesting" *Vero keeps smiling awkwardly*. He eventually gets the message and leaves. What an interesting night.

So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways

2010-10-23T08:54:00.003+10:30

I like Pink's new song. (it's on repeat right now...) It's very catchy. It makes me wanna dance every time I hear it. Which is a bit bad when I'm at work and I can feel myself moving around a little.

Songs seem to fit me very well right now...

"Everything is going wrong but we're so happy"

Mum has always said that, when it gets near to your birthday, you enter a "astral hell". Which seems to always be true. I don't think it is a really bad thing, because I get happy near my birthday, so even when things start going to shit, I'm still going. If it happened at any other point in time, I might just crash. But now, when it's near my birthday, I can deal with it. It's weird...

Work is busy. Stressful. Everyone is on the edge and because I go around helping everyone and do little things that depend on everyone else, I take all the shit and everything always seems to be my fault (at least that's what they say. it's not really...). So people spend all day having a go at me for doing my work too fast and them not being able to catch up and then, at the end of the day, all the stress just goes away and everyone is laughing, drinking and being fun. It took me a while to get used to it, I must say. Oh, also, my probation period is over! I survived! :D

Last night, for the first time ever, I was drunk at the same time Rugiyya was. Which was amazing! Usually we take care of each other. But last night, I think we both just needed shitloads of alcohol. It was fun :) Hopefully, we'll do it again today.

I feel like blogging lots. I feel like e-mailing people. But I have so much cleaning to do...

My fucking housemate is getting kicked out. Why? Because she is a dirty whore who doesn't pay the rent. And what's gonna happen to me? I don't know. Joint lease sucks. Everything is so up in the air, I have no control and it is freaking me out. But at the same time, it is good. I don't have to be responsible for anything. It doesn't depend on me. This is a new feeling. This out of control business can work for me. Maybe.

My parents are taking me sky diving for my birthday! Fuck yeah! :D

I'm swearing a lot now. This can't be good. But then it means I'm back to the old me. Kind of. Which is nice. :)

Raise your glass people! Life's worth fighting for. Even if it goes to shit. Be optimistic. Things always have a way of working themselves out. Don't put up with shit from other people. Stand up for yourself. It's better to keep people around you who like you for who you are, rather than who you pretend to be. The masks always fall. So don't wear one. Be honest. Trust people. Don't hold grudges. Don't do anything to be guilty about. And if you do, don't be afraid to say sorry. It means a lot. Be happy! Bad things happen to good people. But karma is a bitch. Do whatever you want to do. Be whoever you want to be, even if it means taking shit from people who don't understand you. Ignore them. No one knows you better than yourself. You can be anyone. And you can change at any point in time. :)

/end weird Vero times.

2010-10-15T22:29:00.002+10:30

This is me, when I ring tech support for a GPS at work.

Just because

2010-10-09T08:36:00.002+10:30

I seem to go through phases of neglecting this blog. That's not very good, I have to say. There's always so much in my head I wanna write here, but I never seem to be bothered. I've been lacking motivation lately. I'm not too sure why...

Things are going good. Work is good. Life in general is good. I feel like my life right now could be made into a movie. Not in a good way! There's a lot of drama that I can't really talk about here happening at home. It makes me a bit angry, but it doesn't bother me that much to be honest. It's one of those things that you just learn to live with I guess. But the good news is that I want to buy a house next year. *nods* In the end of the year, I plan on moving houses (so if you know anyone who's looking for a housemate, let me know!). And the later on next year, I'll buy my own house. It's is very exciting, I have to say :)

The next ew weeks are going to stress me out quite a lot. At work, we are going to be at a 4WD and boating show. There's so much preparation involved! I tried to start getting ready about a month ago. But it is one of those things that I need other people to do their part before I can do mine. And they seemed to always have other priorities. Stress is gonna get to me by friday. Nt to mention the masquered ball me and Lu are haing on Saturday. It's not even close to being organised. I don't even have a dress yet! Not to mention that it is getting so out of control! It started out with 100 people invited. Not it has over 200. Her house is quite small. This might end in disaster...

2010-09-25T09:58:00.001+09:30

Dear World,

Religion is like a penis. It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat. Sincerely, tired of hearing your religious guff.

http://www.dearblankpleaseblank.com

2010-09-20T21:44:00.001+09:30

3 years tomorrow. I miss Murray. No one will ever understand how much he changed me. You should still be live.

2010-08-22T18:45:00.002+09:30

Less than a week until I move out. I'm super excited. But quite scared at the same time. What if it doesn't work? What if I regret it? I guess I'll never find out until I do it. So much to do. So much to buy. Nothing's on track riht now. And I chose the worst day to move, right after the GAMES pubcrawl. What a mistake. If it is good, I feel feel like shit all day saturday.

Life's going pretty good. In a weird way. Things are working themselves out. I can't really say there's bad stuff happening in my life right now. I'm more positive than usual. I'm doing whatever I feel like doing, even if it means spending the next day like a zombie. But even at work, things are going good. I've got more responsibilities. People actually want me around. It's all very exciting, I must say.

Only when I think things are going good, I always find a way to feel bad about it all. That's my nature. It's what I do. And right now, I feel like everything is too good to be true. Things are going way too smoothly. Something is gonna crash. Something bad will happen soon. This is pessimistic Vero talking.

It's almost September. I hate that month. Nothing good ever happens in September. Ever. I spend the whole month just waiting for bad news. And it always comes.

I have to stop being so emo on this blog. I'm not actually this bad. Things are good and I still sit here and whine about it all. I have to stop doing that. I have to start having happy thoughts.

I'm gonna go watch Dexter. Now that's a happy show. I wish I was like Dexter sometimes, in a way. Not the killing people way, but the not being able to feel anything way. Not forever. Just sometimes.

2010-08-16T19:12:00.002+09:30

I miss Murray. He should still be here. He was such an amazing guy. If he was still around, I think I would be a different person. I would see things differently. I used to be such a happy person. And now it feels like things get me down much easier. Not that people know, because hiding my feelings is what I am truly good at. Before he died, I didn't cry. Now I am scared of losing people. I think that'd my biggest fear. I don't think I can deal with losing someone else. It broke me once and I'm still not ok. If it happens again, I don't know if I'll heal.

I still get weird every time I listen to Hilltop Hoods. He introduced me to them. My stomach turns when they come on. It fucking sucks.

Rainy days

2010-08-08T18:15:00.003+09:30

I love the rain. But I hate the feelings I get with it. Bad things seems to happen when it rains. In general. Rainy seasons are not good for me. I don't really know why, but they change me. My mood always changes when it rains. All I wanna do is sit in front of the TV, eat and watch crappy tv shows. But people around me always have other ideas.

So much is changing in my life. I can't keep up with it. Suddenly, everything is starting to spin out of control again. I thought I had it all figured out. But then, can you ever really figure out things if there are people involved? I find it hard to understand people. Their actions never make sense. I feel like most people around me are very honest to me. Maybe too honest sometimes. I love the fact that people listen to what I have to say, that people seem comfortable with telling me things, that people actually trust me with their secrets. But why do they? How can I deal with all of this? In a way, I feel like it is slowly destroying me. People vent to me and tell me things they don't tell others, yet I don't really do that as often as I should. It is getting to the point where I am about to explode. I need to learn to deal with my problems. I've got the 'dealing with other people's problems' worked out. I believe I give great advice and people actually make some sense of things I say. But why don't I use those things in my life? Why can't I work out my life, yet I can work out everyone else's? I need to be alone, yet I feel like I need my friends more than ever.

When you talk to people you don't really care about that much, the whole time you are talking, they are thinking "yeah yeah, whatever, I wanna do the talking now" and vice versa. People don't listen to each other. All they do is wait for their turn to talk. Yet with good friends, you actually absorb what they are saying, you get interested, you rather listen than talk when you feel like they have something to say. I sometimes feel like I do the 'good friend' way with people I don't really care about. I wanna listen to what people have to say, even if we aren't the best of friends. I rather listen to them than do the talking. It is a bit strange. But I guess it comes back to me not trusting people. I don't wanna bug people with my problems. My life isn't interesting enough for me to tell other people.

Whenever I am driving home alone at night time, or even when it is raining, once I get to this main rd near my house, I get this urge to just accelerate as fast as I possibly can and aim for a tree or any other stationary object. It sounds terrible, I know. I've never said this to anyone before. But it happens. Every time. It's been happening for a long time too. It sucks. I am not a suicidal person. I think suicide is selfish. Leaving behind people who care about you and hurting them on purpose just so you will be free is selfish. I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. Yet I get this urge. It's weird. Irrational.

Hopefully I will find a place to move out to very soon. And once that happens, I hope things will work themselves out. Once I get that space, that freedom. And if they don't, then I guess it was worth a try.

PS.: I seriously need to stop with these emo posts. But I really feel like I need to put this out somewhere. And knowing that people actually read this, even if no one says anything, it gives me a sense of relief. It's out there. Bringing it up in the first place is the hardest part. But once I do this, if someone actually mentions something to me, I feel like there are people out there who actually care and it isn't a one way street.

Longest. Week. Ever.

2010-07-31T11:09:00.002+09:30

People confuse the hell out of me. They really do. I am so straight forward, I tell everyone what I think of them, yet they don't get it? WTF?! Ugh. Just believe me, people! When I say something, I mean it! I don't care what other people are telling you, if it's about me and I'm saying it is a certain way, just go with it and stop listening to gossip.

This week has been so long. Working 8.30am till 5.30pm every day, plus seeing a different friend every night of the week. I barely slept at all. But it's been good.

Tonight's plan: dress up, go to town with Rugiyya and have the best night ever :)

I shall write more later.

2010-07-22T20:42:00.001+09:30

I got the job!!! I GOT THE JOB!!!

Full time, grown up work, here I come!

I start tomorrow :D

I am sooooo excited!!!

2010-07-21T13:40:00.002+09:30

You don't fucking know what I'm doing. You don't know who I wanna be. You don't know what I wanna do with my life. You don't know what makes me tick. You don't know what makes me happy. You don't understand that I actually ENJOY helping other people just because I can. You don't know where I am coming from. I see no point in telling you things because you don't give a shit.

I'm sorry I didn't do what you had planned for me my whole life: engineering. I actually wanna do something I enjoy, not something I was forced into. I don't wanna follow your footsteps. I hate that I am so much like you. Most of the shit I have to go through, is because I became so much like you. I am trying to change so badly so I won't turn out like you in the end. It is working, but I can't kee doing it with you so near by, constantly telling me off for doing things my way. It is MY FUCKING LIFE. MINE. Not yours. I choose what I wanna do. If I wanna spend the next 5 years of my life working part time at subway, while doing something for a few hours a week that I actually enjoy, that's MY FUCKING PROBLEM. And I will do it if I want to. I don't care what you think of me. If you wanna think I am a loser, that's fine.

In the next 10 years, I will be doing something I really enjoy. Full time. I don't care how long it takes. I will get there. It is not my fault you chose a career that got you there 6 months after leaving uni. I get it! I know you bought your own house by the time you were 25 or something. I know you had a career before you turned 30. So what? I wanna work for what I want. It is gonna take longer. It is much harder. But that's MY problem. And I will find a solution to it. On my own.

You don't know what I do with my life. You don't know the connections I have. You don't know what impression I leave on people. You don't know how many people have told me they love the way I see things and think the things I do are actually good. You don't know that people have told me they wish there were more people like me in the world. And do you know why you don't know all these things? Because I don't want you to. If you knew it all, you would try and make me change. You would try and make me do more. "You have so much pottential". Yes, I know I do. And I will use that the way I wanna use it. Not how YOU want me to use it. So shut the fuck up and back off. It is my life and I will live it the way I wanna live it.

If in the end it all fails, then you can say 'I told you so'. But until then, have some fucking faith in me and stop lecturing me about shit.

2010-07-20T16:55:00.000+09:30

I can still get the job I want! They will decide who gets it tomorrow! *nervous*

a lot can happen in 24 hours...

2010-07-18T11:28:00.002+09:30

I don't remember the last time I had such and eventful 24 hours. Going to work at serving drunk guys was only the start. Little did I know things were gonna get much more random.

In the last 24 hours I have worked, played Mario Kart, played Super Mario Bros (the Wii version), hung out with guys I don't usually hang out with, drank a whole bottle of wine in a few hours, been to the city dancing, been yelled at, yelled at someone, worked out some problems that should've been worked out a long time ago, had tequila shots, walked until my feet hurt, played "I have never...", had weird and random conversations, heard about a friend being in hospital, had to make sure a very drunk friend got home safely.

If that wasn't enough, I had to come home at 7am, without being able to sleep properly, just to find out people are bitching behind my back for no reason at all. How did I find out? On a facebook status update. Calling someone a whore on a status update is not a very classy thing to do. And I thought last night was a good night, when I finally worked out some problems. I don't need new ones now. I don't even know why I care about this so much, to be honest. What's the point in being friends with someone if they are just gonna go and bitch about you if they don't get your full attention one night? You know who you are, and I know you read this.

I want a drama free year, starting now. Is that too much to ask for?

Too young

2010-07-13T16:00:00.002+09:30

TV has been bombarding me lately with shows about little girls wanting to act grown up and be famous. That is the one thing I truly hate. Why has everything changed so much that now 10 year old girls feel the need to carry a bag everywhere, wear make up and heels? Why do parents let that happen?

When I was little all I did was enjoy being a child. I remember climbing trees, playing games, running around, going for swims. During the holidays, we would play cops & robbers almost everyday. We would have ice cream, play soccer, table tennis, pick out fruits from trees, play hide & seek. That was the life! I had to be home before dark, just like all of my friends. I didn't care about what I looked like or what other people thought of me. I didn't wear make up. My hair was always in a pony tail. I don't remember ever carrying around a bag until I was about 14, when I started being allowed (and wanting to) go out with my friends to the movies. I didn't go shopping. We went to the movies, to eat popcorn and have ice cream. I spent most of my time outside, running around, singing with friends, playing with friends, having the time of my life! Why do kids these days thinks that is a terrible idea?

I didn't watch a lot of TV. I didn't play a lot of video games. I doubt you can find a kid today that doesn't watch TV everyday, or plays video games. Yes, technology is much better. But kids are meant to be kids! They have energy. They are meant to be outside, using their imagination, making up their own games! I am not saying I don't think they should watch any TV or play any video games. But they do it too much! All the things kids do now started out as "grown up" things. 10 year old boys are meant to be outside playing soccer (or any other sport really). 10 year old girls are meant to hate boys, not have crushes on them.

I'm 21 now and I still don't wear make up everyday. Yet I see little girls on the street with mascara and lipstick on. What is with that? They wear sandals with heels. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that must be? I barely ever wear heels. Why do they? The worst part is not the fact that they do it, it is the fact that their parents allow them to do it. I'm sure I asked mum for make up or heels when I was little. But like every good parents, she talked me out of it. Why? Because kids are not meant to look and act like adults. Kids are not meant to have boyfriends. They have no idea how much better their lives would be if they just stopped pretending they were older and enjoyed being a kid!

I miss being a kid. Everything was so much easier. I remember the days I would just sit around with friends and sing. Or play games. Without having to worry about work or uni. When alcohol wasn't part of my life. When I could just dance anywhere with my friends. When I didn't have to drive or take care of myself. When there was no such thing as boy problems. When people around me liked me because of me, not because they wanted something more to happen. When they just enjoyed my company and weren't trying to get into bed. Being a kid was so simple, so innocent. The kids of today don't get that. They start dating when they are 10, they wear short dresses and make up. They go out there to impress people.

Kids should be selfish, to an extend. They should do things that makes them happy (as long as it doesn't hurt someone else). They should do things with their friends for fun. They will have years ahead of them to try and impress people. So slow down and just be kids!

If I ever have kids (complicated topic here, let's save it to another post) I will make sure they can be themselves. I'm gonna make sure they enjoy being a kid. That, when they grow up, they can look back and smile because they know they had a good childhood.

Let kids be kids! Otherwise, when they grow up, they will act like kids, because they missed that part.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

2010-07-11T19:14:00.002+09:30

(^ EMINEM. Very addictive.)

I don't know why I do the things I do. Most of the time I don't understand people. So I do things because of mixed signs. But in the end, I end up regretting ever saying/doing anything. I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong, something that will hurt someone. But at the same time, I make it very clear what is going on. I'm always very upfront. And people usually say they are ok with things I do, but then next thing I know, they are upset. What am I meant to do? Why can't people be honest for a change? Even if they think it will hurt me, just say what you are thinking. Being subtle doesn't work.

I've got so many mixed feelings in me right now. Everything is all over the place. I'm slightly lost. I feel like my life is just passing me by. It sucks.

I feel like I always want what I can't have. If something comes around too easily, I usually just turn the other way. It is a very bad thing to do. But in the end, when I get something I worked hard for, I feel happy. I appreciate it more. It works with everything in my life.

Sometimes I feel like I should just delete this blog. It has brought me trouble before and it will probably happen again. But at the same time, why should I care? I have the right to write whatever I want. I have the right to vent. I don't wanna hurt people, but I like being able to say all this stuff here. Writing makes me happy. It calms me down. When I write, I feel like I've shared something big with an old friend. Something important. Even if no one will ever read it. Maybe I should stop blogging and go back to having journals. Ugh.

I highly dislike being this tired and not having anything to do. I keep thinking about the same things over and over again. Man, get out of my head, please. I shouldn't be thinking about this. It is not a one way street. So stop it.

I've stopped making sense now. I hate this fuzziness that's happening in my head.

Go to bed, Vero. You deserve some sleep.

Taking a chance

2010-07-09T08:48:00.002+09:30

I've had a pretty good week so far. Last Thursday my cousin from the USA came over for a few days. I've never met her before. But she was awesome! So it was great. We went out shopping, drinking, dancing. We went to Victor Harbour and Sydney. It was great! I don't remember the last time I had that much fun :)

On Tuesday, I had my first Job Interview. And it just happened to be for the job I really want. It is in a GPS store. I'd be doing admin work as well as keeping up their website and little things like that. It really sounds like exactly what I want to do right now. The interview went pretty good, I think. I really think I left a really good impression on him. So hopefully I will hear back from them soon.

On Wednesday I had a second Interview. For the Cancer Council. I applied because it said they needed people for fundraising. It was a bit unclear, but you know. So I went in right. The guy who was talking to us (it was a group thing) was one of rudest people I have ever come across. Not rude in a he doesn't say sorry way, but rude as in saying really bad things about everything. He is from Sydney, so he thinks that gives him the right to bitch about South Australia. Seriously, if you don't like it here, get the fuck out! No one is holding you, you arrogant prick. He kept saying how people in Sydney are better than people here, how they give more money to the cancer council, how they work better, how they are better at raising money. Somehow he got into saying how SA is the only state that has some provocation law, where it says that it is acceptable for men to hit women at home (I don't know if this is true, to be honest. I haven't looked into it). So he goes and says "i've never seen so many women with black eyes before". WHAT THE FUCK MAN! Are you kidding me? I don't think I have ever seen a woman on the street with a black eye here. Never. Not once. So right there and then I realised how much of an arrogant, ignorant Sydney loving guy he was. It made me so angry. He then went on to bash the World Vision. And how down here in SA we get bombarded with ads from them but never hear anything about the cancer council. How we support kids overseas but don't support cancer research in our own state. The way I see it is, if they (cancer council) advertised more, they would get more response. The way to get people to support you isn't by hackling them on the street (which is what my job would be). World vision has people on the street asking for money, but they don't come up to you and annoy the hell out of you! People trying to get money for the cancer council are those people that you move away from. Another thing that tipped me over the edge was when he said something like "if you are someone who want to help others, this job isn't for you. People who will do well in this job are people who are greedy and self centred.". Are you for real? Who says this shit to people who are trying to get a job? It ended up that it wasn't a job interview. We all had the job. (oh yeah, there were 6 of us, only 2 australians. there was a british guy and 2 other guys who could barely speak english) Turns out the training is today and we all start on Monday. I didn't get very excited. But it took me a whole orning at Oxfamshop to make up my mind. I'm not gonna do it. I don't see the point in working somewhere this shit. I don't want a boss like that. I wanna work in a place where I enjoy being there. I don't care about the money, I care about the experience. So if you ever think about applying for a job at the cancer council, don't do it. Unless you need the money. They get something like $1200 a week. Which is a lot! But I don't wanna go and be stuck in a full time job where I hate being at.

I also had an infor night last night. They will call me today to set up an interview. It is for a receptionist job. It is much more like what I wanna do.

I'm taking a big chance here. I might not get any of the other 2 jobs. But you know what? That's fine. I'm sticking with what I believe in. I'm not gonna go out there and work just to get mney in a job that has absolutely nothing to do with me degree. I didn't do 3 years of uni to go and raise money for a company who doesn't give a shit about people. I'm gambling here. It feels dangerous but it also feels right. I'm doing the right thing for me. Everything will turn out just fine. I'm being optimistic for a change. :)

2010-06-30T21:26:00.000+09:30

Ask me anything here. I won't know who you are. So anything goes :)

Because I can

2010-06-29T18:05:00.005+09:30

(from postsecret)

I've looked up suicide hotlines in Adelaide. I have applied to be a volunteer as a telephone counsellor there. It isn't just a suicide thing, it is a help line. For anyone and everyone who needs someone to talk to. It is a religious based organisation, but it was the only one I could find here in Adelaide. If it helps people, I don't care if it involves religion or not. I have an info night next week and I am very excited about it all.

This could be a great experience. But it can also break me completely. I think I am strong enough to do this. I hope I am. I don't want to sit around doing nothing anymore. I want to spend my time doing something I actually care about. I want to be able to help people. I'm not gonna find my perfect job any time soon, so I might as well be productive. I am still looking for a job that will give me more hours. Any job that doesn't involve food basically. But it isn't easy.

I don't know what to expect from this volunteering. It can't be an easy job. It just can't. There is so much wrong in the world, I don't know if I'm ready (or ever will be) to listen to someone tell me how awful their life is. And when it happens, I will have to try and change their mind, try and make them believe they are worth it. I can do this, right? I hope I can.

For fucks sake

2010-06-29T10:33:00.002+09:30

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to keep things in my life as simple as possible, people around me just seem to love to make drama. Out of everything! And then they will tell me they don't like drama. Are you for real? If you don't like drama, don't make any! It isn't that hard. If people talked more and actually tried to work things out, all this drama wouldn't be happening.

I hate how people over react about everything. Specially certain people. So now whatever I post here is about you? Self centred much? Not everything is about you, you know. Stop pretending like it is. If I have any issue with someone, I will talk to them about it. If I haven't talked to you about a problem, it is because that issue is not with you. Get over yourself.

All I ever post here lately is bad, angry stuff. When in reality my life is going pretty well. I am actually enjoying life for a change. I love being able to do whatever I wanna do. The reason why I post so many angry things here is because I want to avoid the drama. I will confront you when I get a chance. In the meantime, I don't wanna have to hold it all in, so I write here. If you don't like it, if you are offended by it, don't fucking read this. It is that simple.

2010-06-26T19:18:00.002+09:30

Two faced people piss me off. If you have something against me, say it to my face, not behind my back. If you don't like me, don't talk to me. If you think I'm full of shit, don't talk to me. If you don't like the way I do things, don't talk to me. If you think I'm oh so selfish, don't talk to me. If you think I force you to do things you don't wanna do, stand up for yourself and fucking say something.

I don't need friends who back stab me, thank you very much. I am not here for you to be able to have something to bitch and gossip about to your other friends. I don't tell you things so you can go around telling everyone else. I trusted you, you fucking bitch. And now you back stabbed me. I always find out. ALWAYS. And this is no exception. You are full of shit, you don't deserve my friendship, you don't deserve to have me there, helping you when you are fucking bored at home and want someone to talk to. You don't actually deserve to have any friends at all. I should've noticed it earlier. You've always bitched about your other friends, why would our friendship be any different? You are a backstabbing whore who will never have my trust again. Don't expect to have me wanting to hang out with you any time soon. There is no point on saying all of this to your face, because you will just ignore it all, pretend nothing never happened and fucking want everything to be back to normal. Well guess what?! It will never go back to normal. I don't want you around. I don't need you around.

I wish I had never trusted you with all that shit. I wish I didn't try and count on you when I needed help. I wish I didn't go to you for advice. It was all pointless. Our friendship was pointless. You used me because you can't make your own friends. Yeah, I said it. You fail at talking to people, people find you boring, no one wants to talk to you. But I went out of my way to be friends with you. And what do I get? Back stabbing. AWESOME!

Fuck you.

What goes around comes around...

2010-06-24T21:05:00.002+09:30

I have always been a very strong believer of Karma. It always works. It is the best type of revenge. The reason I don't go out of my way for revenge is because I know Karma will get them one day. And they will suffer. Just like they made me suffer to start off with. It works every time. And when it happens, I can't help but be happy, even if it sucks for them. Karma is a bitch. It's that simple. At the same time, what happens when Karma is out to get me? Not so funny anymore.

I don't really know what I have done in the past to deserve the kind of shit I have to put up with. I can't say I've been a wonderful person my whole life. Yes I've done wrong things and treated people like crap. But I never thought it was this bad.

There are certain people who no matter how hard you try, they just don't care. You can put yourself out there, you can trust them, you can go out of your way to make them happy, you can try whatever you can to try and see them. But in return, you get nothing. They just don't give a shit. People who should be your friends, people who you really care about. How can people just kick friends to the side like this? How can people just give up this easily?

I had a fight with one of my friends the other day. The whole time it was happening, it was hurting. A lot. It didn't last very long, but it made me quite upset. It sucked. In the end, I went out of my way to make sure they knew how I felt. It all worked out. So is it just me? Am I the only person who gets this upset when she has a fight with someone she cares about? I would never be able to let go of people around me who I truly care about. But they seem to just be able to kick me to the side so easily. Maybe they don't care about me as much as they said they did? Maybe they have moved on to another friend? Can you even move on from friends? I know you make new friends all the time and sometimes you have to let old ones go. But how do people let them go so easily, without a fight at all? It just feels like they have no feelings.

It sucks. It's that simple. Being kicked to the side by a friend who you truly care about for no reason at all really sucks.

Yes I get it, people are busy, they have other stuff to do. But what is so hard about a message maybe once a week? A phone call? Or even an e-mail. ANYTHING. The small things are the ones that matter the most.

Wacked sleeping patterns

2010-06-21T19:06:00.003+09:30

Because of the World cup, my sleeping pattern is way out. I'll stay up until 2 am, watching the games and then fall asleep for about 2 hours, wake up again and watch the 4am game. I've become a creature of night, which is totally weird considering I never used to go to bed after around midnight. I've always been a morning person, waking up early is my thing, and so is sleeping for at least 8 hours every night. But now I can't even remember the last time I had a proper night's sleep. How odd. It is good though! On the weekends, I am not dead when I go out anymore so I can actually stay out until whenever.

On another note, GO BRASIL! :D We shall win this cup. As everyone is saying, this cup is America's. Most of the European countries are failing. So take that! I think it is great. I always go against Europe. The way I go is: Brasil, Australia, Latin American Countries and then whoever is playing against an European country :P

Speaking of Latin American countries, the other day I had this huge argument with some people about what countries are part of Latin America. Australians (at least the ones I have mentioned this to) have no clue! For them, Latin America consists of Mexico and a few countries of central and south America. How odd! Aren't you meant to learn that in school? I mean, Latin America = countries in America who speak a language that comes from Latin. DUH. Same goes or Europe. People don't believe me when I say Italy and France are Latin countries. I don't get it.

Anyhow, dinner time and then let's hope Portugal doesn't win this game ;)

Certain memories never fade away.

2010-06-17T16:35:00.003+09:30

It was a saturday night. The worst saturday night of my life. In the middle of the night, god knows what time, Ben rings me. I'm barely awake when I pick up the phone. The conversation goes something like this...

Hey. It's me.
Hi. What's going on?
Murray had a car crash.
What? - at this point I am completly out of it, half asleep.
He took his mum's car without her knowing. And he crashed into a tree.
What?
*silence*
Where are you?
I'm at the tree. He died, Veronica. Murray is dead.
What do you mean he's dead?
He died on the crash.

I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what do do. I had no reaction. I just sat there as Ben started to cry on the phone. I don't remember much after that. All I know is I rang Rugiyya straight away and she didn't know what to say. I cried like I've never cried before. For hours. In the morning, I had a shift volunteering at Oxfam and I didn't want to not go. I remember when I woke up early, I told dad and he started swearing. He couldn't believe it. I remember mum wasn't home, I think she was in Brazil. And Lu was at some friend's house. So I went to Oxfam.

That Sunday was the worst shift I've ever done. I didn't tell anyone. I was a zombie the whole time. I don't even know how I managed to act nice to costumers. I remember Lu came in during my shift, I think dad told her what happened. She hugged me and I pushed her away because I was almost crying again. It was awful. I felt like I had to be strong and couldn't let anyone know how much it hurt.

At the end of my shift, Ben came to pick me up with Rugiyya and Wes. We went to where it all happened. The whole way there I didn't say a word. I just sat there. When we got to the tree, as soon as everyone started getting out of the car I completly broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even get out of the car. Ben tried to get me out, but I just couldn't do it. But the Lewi, Murray's brother, came to the car. He stood in front of my door and said "Don't I even get a hug?". I got up straight away and hugged him. I was crying so much I was shaking. I'll never forget what he said to me during that hug... "I know you and Murray had your differences and you were always fighting. But he has always thought very higly of you. He really liked you."

The days after that are one big blur in my mind. I don't remember anything. It's like they didn't happen. I know I went to uni, I know I talked to people about this, but I was so numb.

This happened 2 and a half years ago. I'm still not over it. It still hurts. I don't think I've ever told anyone this story before. I don't really know why I am writing it here to be honest.

I miss him. I hadn't talked to him properly in weeks when this happened. But he was such an awesome person.

"I'm not afraid to take a stand

2010-06-14T22:41:00.003+09:30

Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now"
Not afraid - Eminem

So much can change in so little time. One decision can change your life forever. One wrong move can change the way people see you. One word can make someone hate you. One sentence can break someone's trust forever. It is all so fragile. It takes so long to like people, to trust people yet it all can break down so quickly. Why is that? Why is it that you can't trust someone straight away, they have to earn your trust? Yet you can be betrayed in seconds and it will never be the same again. Why can't people forgive other people? Why can't people move on?

I hate that it took me so long to become who I am today. I hate that I had to do so many wrong things, lose so many people before I could realise all of this. I hate that I have lost people who I will never be able to get back. I hate knowing that I am still very likely to mess things up and have to go back to square one.

I like the person I am now. I've never liked who I used to be. Who I have been for the last 6 years. I am back to being me. I am back to knowing what I want and actually going out there and trying to get it. Things aren't going as planned, it isn't as easy as I thought it would be, yet I am getting through it all and it feels good. I feel like I am getting somewhere, even if it takes me a long time.

I haven't been on my own in so long. I forgot who I was. I got lost between other people. And knowing that I can still be myself and be happy is great. I am back to liking just hanging out with me. It took so much for me to get here but now everything is going ok. I will be ok. Everything will turn out just fine. It feels awesome.

People change everyday. And to know how much I've changed in the last 6 years and to know that I have had great people around me to help me get here is amazing.

I like me now.

World cup fever!

2010-06-13T12:21:00.001+09:30

The world cup has started! I haven't slept properly since. Not that I truly care who wins what games, but OMG I love the cup.

Tonight/tomorrow morning GO AUSSIES!

Things are looking up :)

2010-06-06T21:41:00.002+09:30

I don't know if I like this roller coaster my life is in. Some days awesome things will happen and I will be jumping up and down. Other days things just go to shit. But I guess it balances it out, right? No point having fun all the time or being shitty all the time.

So last Wednesday I had my job interview at Studio 2000 Photographers. I think it went well. But the lady told me there were lots of people applying and there were 5 spots available. I haven't heard back from them yet, so I might go in this week to see how things are going. I feel like I would be sounding needy, but people around me say I should go in and ask, that it will make me sound interested. I guess I'll give it a shot.

I haven't heard back from the house me and Alex applied for either. But it hasn't been a week yet. So fingers crossed!

The last few days have been pretty good. On Friday I worked until about 2.30pm. We got our discounts back (because we are nice people who do temp checks now! ha) so I had some very healthy chicken fillet wrap. After that, I rushed home, had a shower and off I went to the city.

There's this campaign, 'Make Poverty History' which is supported by many organisations. One of them is Oxfam. And since I volunteer there, I know people who do this kind of stuff. So I heard they were doing a road trip (which I didn't go to because I was in France). And after the road trip, when they were back in Adelaide, they were gonna do a "freeze". And that is why I went to the city. I didn't know how it was gonna go. So what happens is, people get together. We walk down Rundle Mall and a guy has this huge drum. At a given time, everyone stops. They freeze. Only thing they could do was blink. They stay like that for a while. That's when people start staring and slowing down to see what's going on. Suddenly, the guy with the drum hits his drum. And keep hitting it every 3 seconds. Every time he hits it, someone collapses. They just fall to the ground. And it keeps going until everyone is dead. That represents the people who die from poverty every 3 seconds in the world. I wasn't one of those people, I was walking around getting everyone to sign the petition. We need something like 400,000 signatures so that this campaign can be sent to parliament. It is all about getting the government to send some aid to places where poverty has hit. Quite amazing, hey? I thought it was a great idea and an awesome way to get people to pay attention and sign the petition. We got lots of signatures.

So after we did the freeze a few times, it was time to hit the unibar! Hooray! I was driving, so I couldn't drink much. But it was the unibar, I had to have a tequila sunrise ;). I also had some wedges. Healthy, I know. Hugh then came around for a bit and we talked about the help-portrait photo shoot we are going to do. We will get people who can't afford getting professional photos done and will photograph them and give them the photo. The point of it? To spread love. To tell people that there are still people out there who care. To show that they can feel good about themselves. To give them good memories. I think it is an awesome movement and I am VERY excited to make it happen! (If you live in Adelaide and would like to help, let me know! We are gonna need plenty of people to organise this and to help us on the day).

So after talking to Hugh, we went to this Thai Vegetarian restaurant which was fantastic! I was full of wedges but had a tea, which tasted awesome. And I don't even drink tea! We then went back to the unibar for a bit, before heading out to the Austral, where I had my second and last drink: $4 tequila shot! Hooray! By that point, my hands and knees were very swollen and they hurt like hell. But I stayed out because there were loads of fun people around. We went to hungry jack's too, which is where I realised I had to go home or I would die of pain right there. The drive home SUCKED. I drive a manual, so changing gears with a swollen hurting hand is horrible! I barely slept all night...

When it was about 6am I figured I had to see a doctor. So off to the hospital we go again, second time in less than 5 days. We waited for a good 2 hours but there were loads of ambulances arriving (it was a Friday night after all...). We headed out to my GP and he told me i had temporary arthritis. Which was caused by something (probably my cold triggered it... weird I say). He gave me loads of stuff to take and I headed back home, where I spent the rest of the day watching movies with Lu and eating chocolate. Good day overall.

Today, all the pain was gone. Everything was kind of working again. To celebrate, I went to Ikea with Alex and Stam. Fun times! We had cheap ice cream, which was awesome. And cheap lunch too. After that, we went back to my place, played to Trivial Pursuit (where Stam cheated!) and Wii Sports. We then went out to have some healthy Maccas food and they went home. Fun weekend I say :) Despite the hospital part, it was pretty awesome :)

Now this was a long "this is my life" post. Sigh.

What a day...

2010-06-02T14:42:00.002+09:30

The other day mum cleaned my bathroom. The bath was so dirty that she had to use really strong stuff to clean it. Something called Sugar Soap. You use it to clean walls and floors. It is a petty dangerous thing if it gets into contact with your skin for long. But anyway, she cleaned the bath. And last night, I went to have a bath. Little did I know that it would be a really bad decision.

When I as done my legs started itching. I thought it was just some sort of dry skin or hay fever (they itch a lot in summer). So I just ignored it. But other parts of my body started having the same reaction. I spent most of my night scratching myself. It was an itching like you get when a mosquito bites you. When you scratch and it stop after a while, It was constant itching. To make life harder, it would keep moving around, my legs would itch than it was my head and then my stomach and so on. At 5am this morning I figured I should have a shower to see if I could get whatever it was out of my skin. Didn't help. At all. So we figured I should go to the hospital.

Fun times all around. After about an hour we got to see the doctor, who decided he would make me a happy girl again by giving me an injection. A freaking bad one. He kept saying how much it would hurt. It was lovely. It was this thick syringe with thick liquid inside. It hurt a lot while doing it but it got 100 times worst after it was done. 4 hours later, they let me go home.

Awesome day so far.

I have my interview at Studio 2000 later on today. Super excited :)

2010-06-01T18:44:00.005+09:30

Today, everything that could go wrong at work, went wrong. Starting with the fact that I went in with a cold. I can barely speak! So costumers couldn't understand me properly. When I got there, I realised I had forgotten something, so had to drive back and pick it up. That's cool. But we suddenly got busy, when I had just started preping meatballs. So between trying to serve, clean up, do the dishes and make sure we didn't run out of anything, the meatballs took me a few hours. Sigh. To make my day that little bit better, when I was serving a costumer I dropped their sandwich. I was taking it out of the oven and BAM the paper rips and there's cheese everywhere on the floor. The costumer didn't even notice! How odd. It was quite embarassing. But I can't say I haven't done that before... I think everyone there has done it at some point in time.

I need sleep. But it isn't even 7pm... sigh.

Saturday

2010-05-30T16:00:00.003+09:30

Yesterday started like the crappiest day ever. I had to work, and felt so dizzy it wasn't funny. The whole time I'm there I can barely hear people and my head is spinning around. I felt drunk actually. It was awful. On the bright side, I got to serve my favourite costumers :) After that, while feeling like shit I got Alex and we went to a house inspection. The house was AWESOME. But let's not talk about that, I don't wanna jinx it! Hopefully we'll hear back from them soon.

After that, we went to Alex's house, got her some exciting clothes and left to pick up Stam. We then went home and started getting ready. By this time, alcohol and food are involved. And so are multiple changes of clothes. So the day is getting much much better. We were gonna wait for the bus outside, but figured we should walk to the next bus stop. That was lucky, since the bus decided to start at that stop for some strange reason!

And let the night begin! Lots of talking, lots of drinking, lots of dancing, lots of randoms. I didn't feel sick, I didn't feel tired. I could've stayed out until the next morning if it wasn't for Miss Alex being exauhsted. In the end, I got home at 3am. And woke up at 7am for some strange reason. It was a great night! Everyone there was awesome, everyone was so happy, nothing went wrong. I haven't had such a good night in town in a while :) Hopefully, we'll do it all over again next week!

Moral of the story is: 'it's never too late to start the day over', as Michael Franti has once said. :)

Major fail.

2010-05-26T12:08:00.002+09:30

I have glandular fever. I have no proper job. Everyone around me has something to do with their life. I don't have any dreams. I don't have any ambitions. I was left by someone I really cared about. And that someone found someone else so quickly and already moved on. And I'm still here, stuck. I hate this. I try so hard to look on the bright side of things, I've been doing everything in my power to make myself happy. Yet I seem to be failing miserably. Yes I am getting things done. Yes I am trying to do the right thing. But when I'm alone at home and can't fall asleep there's nothing good that I can think about. It fucking sucks.

Leave all your love and your loving behind you can’t carry it with you if you want to survive.

2010-05-25T00:50:00.004+09:30

^Dog days are over, by Florence and the machine.

LOST is over. Finished. Done. Forever. I feel kind of sad. Lonely. Empty. Like a big piece of me has been ripped from my body. That's how much LOST meant to me. Obsession, I know. But my obsession. An obsession I thought I could hang on to forever. But hey, nothing lasts forever. Not even TV series. It's sad.

Things always have a way of fixing themselves. Somehow. I've heard people say that, if you leave it alone, it will fix itself. I have also heard people say that the only way it will get fixed, is if you do something about it. I believe on the 'do something about it' version. But I haven't done much about my life so far. I feel very empty. I don't think I've achieved anything worthwhile yet. I don't know if I ever will. I want to. But I am not sure I have the will power to get it done. Or to even start it. Or go after it. I always say I go after what I want. But it doesn't apply to everything. It doesn't apply to a lot of things actually.

I feel hypocritical. My whole life I've told people to go for it, do what they wanna do, try it and see if it works. But I don't. 'Do as I say, don't do as I do.' Fail.

Why is life so complicated? Why is it that when one thing starts going wrong, suddenly everything about your life is going wrong? And when one thing goes really well, the others follow. I don't like it. This whole bi polar business drives me insane. I rather be in medium mode all the time. Ugh.

Sometimes, I wish I was back in Brazil. Life was so much easier back then. People were honest and upfront. I had friends that would stick around. I had my family there. I had a life. Australia managed to suck all of my life out of me. In just a few months. I got a lot of it back. But it took so long. It's been 6 years and I still don't feel complete. Or happy. Is it me? Can I not adapt? If I can't, how will I ever manage to go far in life? If it takes me 6 years to get things rolling, how long will it take to make it work?

Every teenager goes through a phase where they think the world is out to get them. I didn't really have that. I was in such shock when I was a teenager that it just went by, I didn't even see it going. But you know what, it is happening now. I don't know how it got to this point, but it did. I feel like I'm trying to hold on, by a thread, but it is slowly slipping away. And as it does, it hurts. It's like a paper cut. You can't see it, but it hurts like hell.

This time last year, things were going great. I had people around me who cared about me, I had a safety net, I had a good home, I was at Uni, I had stuff to do, I had dreams and ambitions. How did I lose all of that? How did I let it get to this point?

I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying as hard as I can. But I really can't do it alone. I don't even know if I can do it at all. I'd hate to become one of those people that just go through life, without caring, without trying. But I feel like that's what happening to me. It's painful to see people around me so happy. I hate giving them my problems. Everyone seems to have a dream. They are all so strong. I thought I was a very strong person. I've been told I'm a very strong person. But right now I am at that point where my strength is fading away. I've used it all up. It feels weird. I feel so numb. I've never had this feeling before. Actually, that's a lie. I had a similar feeling when I first moved here.

In one hand, I wanna try and move to a new place, away from people, and start from scratch, again. But I fear it would be so hard. So I just stay where I am. I want to let things go, I want to be close to people I truly care about. And I'm trying. I don't feel like I'm trying hard enough, but it is all that I have.

I don't need sympathy. I need people to shake me out of it. To help me achieve what it is that I want to achieve: happiness. Real happiness. In every aspect of my life. Is that too much to ask? Can people be TRULY happy? Does real happiness even exist? Do I deserve to be happy? Why would I deserve it more than other people? How an I be happy when I know so many people will never be?

This is frustrating. It keeps me up at night. Nothing would keep me up at night before. Now I can't sleep. There are too many thoughts going through my head.

All of this makes me sound emo. But that's not what it is. I'm just numb. Completly numb. I can't feel anything. I am not angry about my life, as I usually would be. I just feel pain, because of how numb I've become.

This is ridiculous. I NEED to shake out of it. I need to go out and get back to appreciating the good little things in life. Like a smile from a stranger. Or having someone hold the door open for you. Or seeing a younger person giving their seat to an older person. Or a simple "thank you". I need to know that people appreciate each other. And me.

You'll go n I’ll be okay, I can dream the rest away Its just a little touch of fate, it will be okay

2010-05-19T22:49:00.006+09:30

^ I've been obsessed with this song for a while now. It is by Lisa Mittchel - Neopolitan Dreams.

I've neglected this blog for a while. It seems to happen more often than not.

A lot has happened since I last blogged. A lot has changed.

I had my graduation a while ago. It wasn't as long and boring as I feared it would be. But I have to say, I was freaking out when I had to walk on the stage to get my diploma. But I didn't trip, so it is all good.
After that, I went to France with my family (parents, sister, cousin+husband and aunt+uncle). It was good. Paris is amazing. People dress so nicely. They make an effort. I wish people here would make an effort. There, no matter how old or young you are, you make an effort. Every time I see some older person on the street that just seems to not care about themselves any more, I feel a bit sad. And I wish I won't turn out like that.
Anyway, the rest of France was good too. We went to loads of small town and we saw lots of castles and war related things. I've always been against war and going to those places, where D-day happened, where so many people were killed, where hundreds of thousands of guys are buried, a whole generation, it just gets to you. We went to the WWI cemetery of the Americans who died in France. It was huge.
We also went to a few peace museums. They showed movies from the war, where people were just being killed left right and centre. There were photos of people everywhere, there were movies, there were letters of officers during WWII in the concentration camps, who wrote to their wives saying how many people they were killing, how hard it was in the beginning and how much easier it got. I think the most shocking thing I saw in that museum was this little film playing. It was about WWII, when the Americans got to the concentration camps and couldn't believe the neighbouring towns knew nothing about it. They went to those town and forced those people to go see what was happening under their noses. In the film, it shows the people walking through the people who have just been found in those camps. The sick and the dead. What got to me was the fact that the people walking past had 3 types of reactions: they would look away (most women did), they would look at the dead people and seem very shocked or, worst of all, a lot of them seemed unaffected, as if they were walking down a normal street. It really got to me. The whole idea of the holocaust has always troubled me. And seeing it that closely was just surreal...

I think that, because I've read so much about all of this and know of so much bad stuff that people are capable of, I now get a lot of happiness from small things. I didn't use to. It started after I was forced to learn about all of this in my German classes here in Australia. I guess those classes were good for something after all. Now, when I see someone smiling, I can't help but smile. When I give my seat to an older person on the bus I get a good feeling inside me. When I volunteer at Oxfam or donate plasma, I feel like I am getting somewhere. I don't think I'll ever be able to find a job that makes me feel that good. I would rather work a job I hate for a few hours a week to make my money to live and use the rest of my time to do things that I actually enjoy which I don't get paid for. I think that one person can make a very big difference. And I plan to make a difference in someone's life someday.

I feel inspired. Even though I don't have the support I need from people around me. Even though my life is slowly falling into pieces. I will make a difference one day. You'll see.

Not cool

2010-03-15T14:41:00.001+10:30

My computer broke. I think the graphics card just died. I haven't had it all weekend and will only get it back next friday :(

A new beginning

2010-02-17T16:28:00.002+10:30

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..."

Uni is DONE. I have no more studying left to do. I have to now find a job out there, in the real world, as a grown up! When did that happen?! I don't even know what I wanna do for the rest of my life. Web design? Photography? Graphics design? I'm looking for something in advertising. But I am not even sure WHAT kind of job I could have there. It is such a grey area...

On another note, that little 3D animation I talked about a year ago, when it all started... well, it is done! Finished! Ready! And it has been nominated for an award as best short at the SASA (south australian screen awards)!!!! I watched it all done for the first time the other day. And it was amazing! All the stuff I did, that I spent hours upon hours making, are actually there! Every little pipe, every little screw. All the details, everything! I am very happy for all of that :D

The other day I held my first proper event for something important. I managed to organize (almost entirely by myself, being that I was meant to get help but people bailed on me) an art show to raise money for people in Haiti. It was called "Love for Haiti art show" and it consisted of donated art from people here in Adelaide. We had big pieces of art and load of postcards. We even had jewelerry and hand made photo albums. It went very well and we managed to raise over AU$300!!! I am actually very proud of myself. I honestly thought it was gonna be a disaster, that no one would show up. I am now confident enough to try and hold more events like this :)

Even though all this good stuff has been happening, I've never felt more alone. People around me are always busy. I've been harding it very hard to manage my social life. Even though all this happens in my life, I feel like I have nothing to talk about. I feel like I'm a failure for not being able to find a job or get into TAFE. It's getting quite depressing, and I hate it. But I guess, things can only get better. People don't get me, people don't care, really. I spend so much of my time trying to help people, trying to make the people around me happy, and what do I get? No one cares. If I wasn't part of their lives, nothing would be different. They would just find someone else they could use and abuse. Friends seem pretty easy to replace. So do girlfriends. People should stop taking things for granted. I'm quite sick of being everyone's second option. They all rather spend time with their other friends than me. It truly pisses me off. There's only one person who I have been able to count on in the last few weeks. Someone who I didn't think I could count on before this. But she is always there, she is always willing to stay up late,or get up early to meet up. And I don't think she knows how much I appreciate her...

This is turning into an emo thing. Not cool. Let's stop it.

Big Day Out 2010

2010-01-30T20:29:00.002+10:30

Big day out was AMAZING! I had an awesome day. And managed to NOT get sunburnt! *hooray*

Girl talk was the highlight of my day. His stuff is awesome! It's all samples but it is awesome! You simply dance for your life. There were so many people dancing. It was great! He is this little skinny pale long haired guy who dances like crazy.

Lisa Mitchell was also really good. I never heard of her before (she apparently won Australian idol). She is SO adorable! Half way through her concert she stops and tells everyone "i'm really sorry, but i have to stop now so i can do my shoelaces up"!!! How cute is that?! She is so little, you just want to put her on a shelf...

Lily Allen was quite good. But I think she isn't someone who is great on stage. She smoke during her concert, which was just retarded. I mean, no one, not even the hardcore heavy metal guys do that, who says she has that right?! Really. She is quite arrogant. But i still like her music.

Dizze Rascal was a bit of a disappointment. Last time i saw him, 2 years ago, he wasn't this famous so he kind of had a lot to prove. Last night he was just too full of himself. All the swearing for no reason, talking a lot and not singing much was pretty bad.

Peaches was an amazingly good surprise! I knew one of their songs, but their stage presence. OH MY GOD! It was awesome. You might be able to find stuff on youtube of them. The lead singer was crowd surfing and crowd walking. Very cool. I'm sad I didn't get to stay till the end. Muse was on at the same time, so I went to see them.

Muse was really good. I knew half of their songs, and all the lights and lasers were very cool. It was freezing by then (it was 9pm after all...) but i still enjoyed it a lot :)

I'm already excited for next year's big day out :D

And so pumped for soundwave next month!!! I get to see placebo, paramore, reel big fish and my chemical romance again :D

Avatar

2009-12-30T21:15:00.003+10:30

I watched this movie in 3D a few days ago. But never got around to blogging about it. But OH MY GOD how amazing was it?! The story was pretty good, with great little details. But the visual part of it completly blew me away.

Originally I didn't want to see it. But eventually I got convinced it would be good. I am so glad I did go! The amount of work that was put into that. If I was ever able to be in the credits for something half as well done as that, I would be happy.

The characters were so real, the hair and eyes were AMAZING. I was mesmerised through the whole thing. If you haven't seen it, go see it before it goes out of cinemas. Because it HAS to be seen in 3D to be fully appreciated.

Finally

2009-12-16T21:22:00.002+10:30

I got my grades! FINALLY! I got a distinction for 'creating digital text' and 'creative arts'. And a pass for my 3D class. Which means, i can officialyl graduate! hooray! Only in April, but still! :)

The subway way

2009-12-09T21:31:00.002+10:30

So last night I was at work just to read the roster and find out that I am doing a close this Friday. This Friday is the work dinner. But you know, we are closing early. The dinner is at 7.30pm and we close at 7pm, meaning I leave by 7.15pm and technically should get dressed in the fridge and go straight to the dinner, smelling like subway (aka bread, pickles and sanitiser). But of course, that is not gonna happen. I'd go home and have a quick shower and then go to the dinner and be late. I rather be late than smell like subway. So that was a nice start to my shift.

Not only that, but I found out I am closing with someone who no one likes and doesn't help much. So yay for that, right?! Because everyone is going to the dinner and no one wants to work with this person, no one would swap shifts with me. So I figured, it could be worst right?! But then, salvation came along.

About 2 hours after I found this out, a girl from work comes in saying she doesn't wanna work tonight. And I'm saying how i don't wanna work friday night. So she says, if I do her shift tonight, she'll swap with me friday night (i'll work during lunch and she'll do close). I agree, of course. So she rings ppl around to let managers know and all. And then she leaves. About an hour after that, we get a call from one of the managers from the store which I was gonna work in. He's saying that we can't swap coz the pay difference is too big and bla bla bla (he makes no sense, considering cheaper ppl cover for more expensive ones all the time! it balances out). So drama goes around, no one can et in thought with anyone, and eventually the girl has to do the shift. Because of that, she wouldn't swap friday with me. But it gets worst.

Because I knew I couldn't work, I decided to go christmas shopping today, just to get a call in the morning asking if I could do the close tonight! WTF! I said no and the girl was gonna call in sick and stuff. But I think she ended up doing it. And the good news is, she'll still swap friday with me :D hooray for not going to dinner smelling like pickles :D

You see, my days are much more dramatic when I have work :P So much drama happens there nowdays, it's quite entertaining. But I'll leave all those ones for another day ;)

Almost the end

2009-12-07T12:52:00.002+10:30

Christmas is just around the corner and I still haven't bought any present. Sigh. How depressing. But for a change, I actually have money in the bank, somehow. Even though I've been buying lots of useless stuff. Weird.

My TAFE interview is this Wednesday. I am petty much freaking out. My portfolio is almost done. I shall go out and print off some more photos today. I have almost 40 photos. Being that the guy said we should have around 20. This can't be good. But I don't wanna take half of them out.

Friday is my work dinner. That will be interesting... And after that, I might go to a fire twirling thing (class?!) and take photos with Kat. I am actually REALLY looking forward to that :)

Lunch time now ;)

Waiting

2009-12-03T19:45:00.003+10:30

Wow, it's been a while. Over a month. How shameful.

Life's quite complicated right now. Things are out of my hands and there's nothing I can control right now. I haven't been getting many hours of work so I spend most of my time at home, bored out of my mind, because everyone else I know is working or busy. So I don't even bother anymore. I guess staying home bored is better than constantly asking people if they wanna do something and getting rejected, specially when you find out they rather spend time with their other friends.

I have an interview for TAFE next week. *freaks out* My portfolio is almost done. If it all goes well, I'll be doing photography next wear, for 2 years. If that fails, I'll try and get some full time job I guess...

I watched "away we go" last night. It is brilliant! Just so funny!
This mum asks their kid what they know about babies (the kid is not even 10yo) and he says:

"Babies like to breathe and are good at hiding it. I put a pillow over a baby and I thought she wasn't breathing but then she was. She was sneaky. But I'll try again."
Funniest. quote. ever.

That's it really...

New

2009-10-23T15:24:00.001+10:30

My birthday is coming up. And I will turn 21. The evil age. That age where now I will be a legal adult in basically every country in the world. Where I will be held responsible for my actions. I don't like that idea at all. This getting old business doesn't work too well for me. *sigh*

The unknown

2009-10-12T12:41:00.004+10:30

The end of the year is approaching faster and faster. I am getting so freaked out that I am loosing track of everything. I've been sick for almost 2 weeks now and it just won't get better. I have a feeling it is a sign of stress. I haven't been eating well, I haven't been doing things properly and I am just truly paranoid. I don't know what will happen next year. For the first time in my life i DON'T have all my bases covered. I've never been so scared. I don't know what I wanna do, I don't know who I wanna be.

The animation has gone to shit so I won't even have a portfolio which I can be proud of at the end of the year. Things I've been working for just fell apart. And now I have so little time to make it all work again. I really can't go out there and get a real job next year. I don't want to keep going to uni because it really seems a bit pointless. I have applied for 3 courses at TAFE but I don't know what I really want to do. Should I be a 3d modeller (?), an animator, a graphics designer or go back to what i really enjoy and become a photographer? Either way i need more practice. But there isn't a place that would take me right now.

I just need to have a plan. Any plan will do.

Stuck

2009-09-28T23:32:00.003+09:30

I feel like i'm stuck in time. Maybe not in time, but in my life in general. I'm not moving forward and i'm not moving backwards either. It feels weird. I have 4 weeks left of uni to go, yet i have a lot to catch up on. I don't feel like doing any of that work. Most of it is going down the drain anyway. That animation I was working on? Yeah, that's totally fucked. For real, it is. It has become something completly out of my hands, something I am not involved with at all and it makes me SO angry! This was meant to be my last project, something I would spend a lot of time on and actually get things done. But nooooo. It got taken away from me (and everyone who was originally involved too) and now it is just an animation that is being made to get hits, not experience. It is meant to get sold, to give them reputation. Who cares about what 4 people at uni do, right? They need to get people from the outside, people who FUCKING HAVE REAL JOBS OUT THERE, who have experience, who know what they are doing. So they just decide to ignore us oh so stupid uni students who just wanted to do this for fun, to learn something new, to GET some fucking experience. We basically got USED so they could get the money, because if you applied, saying you were in a group with people who have jobs you probably wouldn't get it. That's what the people giving us the money told us. That a big part of the reason we got it is because we are at uni. But guess what! It blew up in their faces. I just hope this blows up in everyones faces now. Because i don't give a shit anymore. I am sick of trying to please them and knowing that they will change EVERY little thing i do and make it AGAIN and just pretend i did. It fucking sucks.

*takes deep breath*

This could've meant a lot to me you know. If this actually worked the way it was ORIGINALLY planned to work, I could have a pretty good portfolio to show at the end of it all.
FUCKING HELL.
Seriously.

The good news is, I think i'm going to TAFE next year. I wanna do photography and i wanna do graphics design and advertising.

But right now, i am really over this whole project and I hope it just fails in general. At least i'll have something to show at the end of it. Even if it isn't what the producers wanted.

It's good to let it all out.

Get things rolling

2009-09-16T18:05:00.005+09:30

Holidays start next week. And I have SO MUCH to catch up it isn't even funny. I don't even know if I'll have enough time (or motivations really) to finish it all. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy what I am doing at Uni this semester, but it is very time consuming. Specially wehn you have a teacher that isn't too good at explaining and assumes you know a heck of a lot that you really don't, because he never thought you and just says he thought someone else did (WTF?!).
But everything will be ok, I know it will :)

I am starting a traineeships at subway soon(ish). From what I've been told, not much will change. But the good news is, I will have to get at least 15 hours every week. So hooray for that! Considering I've only been getting around 5, sometimes 10 a week, this will be pretty good :D

The other day I watched "Up", that Pixar animated movie. OMG it is so so soooo adorable! No kidding! The kid is just so fat and cute! The story is great, the animation is breath-taking. Sort of like Wall-e, a very well made movie. My dream is to be able to work with something like that. Imagine, to have your name in those credits. *sigh* I counted how many animators were involved... 64. JUST to animate, not ncluding modelling, lighting and everything else. That's quite impressive, really. It's like each person animated just over 1 minute of the movie.

I shall go back to procrastinating now ;)

Refreshing

2009-08-21T11:00:00.002+09:30

Last night I went to the movies to watch "inglorious basterds". The quentin tarantino movie, with brad pitt and all. All I can say is AMAZING. If the evil guy doesn't get nominated for some kind of award, I will know the awards are simply fucked. Because he totally deserves it. I don't think I've ever seen someone play an evil nazi general so well! He plays a detective and he managed to make my heart race on the first few minutes. And trust me, that doesn't happen too often! It was simply fantastic. It is totally brutal. Quite obviously a tarantino kind of movie. But a must must MUST see.

Falling into place

2009-08-12T17:17:00.002+09:30

Uni this semester is very exciting! We are doing that animation I have talked about. All my topics are helping that project in some way. Considering I am only doing 3 topics, that isn't hard. One has a major project, which we will use that animation for. The other one I am just learning more advanced 3D modelling, such as (evil) NURBS and texturing. It's quite fun! We are doing cars and will race them later ;) For another topic, I will get to program my whole website (in CSS) from scratch. Not too cool, but we will also learn to use Illustrator (it's like photoshop, but for vecor images rather than bitmap). So hopefully, by the end of this semester, I will have some mad skills ;P

This animation has made me quite excited! Feels like things are finally following into place, things are moving and I am actually learning quite a lot. I have also found out how much I just love 3D modelling. Hopefully I get to do that next year once I graduate and have to go out into the big scary world out there.

I have been watching "Queer as Folk" and am living in a fantasy world ;) I really like the characters and love how they are dealing with real life problems that gay people have to deal with such as homophobia, gay marriage, having children, HIV. I really like it :)

I watched 'Public enemies' he other day. A MUST see. I also saw 'Coraline' in 3D. The Tim Burton one. Another must see if you like him.

Dad just got back from Japan this weekend. From what he has told me, it sounds like a fantastic yet scary place to visit. The language is the scary part. Oh, and the food too. They don't eat bread or milk and have fish + rice for breakfast. That put me off right there!

I thinks that's all for now...

AVCon

2009-07-18T15:33:00.000+09:30

AVCon (anime and videogame convention) is next weekend! i'm pretty excited! :)

that is all for now :)

Procrastination

2009-06-23T16:56:00.002+09:30

My first (and only) exam is coming up. Next Wednesday. Ugh. It is open book, but I still don't know what it is about. I mean, I find it ridiculous to have an exam for philosophy. Seriously. It would be so more usefull to just have to write another essay. I can't really write under pressure. And for 3 hours! How absurd. But I have to study anyhow. How rude! :P I should be starting now, but I am way too lazy.

I still have a cold, which SUCKS. But since I want to procrastinate, I am going to harbour town tomorrow to shop *hooray!*. Even if it is all open and it probably will be cold and i will probably get even sicker. I don't care. I need the therapy. Ha. Specially since I got my holiday leave from Nando's and now I can afford to shop this week :D *awesomeness*

"Who let the dogs out" is stuck in my head. It's been stuck there all day...
*dances*
I really like old school music. One day, I'll manage to organise my iPod (which consists of music stolen from Shane). I am slowly going through every song and changing the genre and stuff so I can find it on my iPod. But there's also loads of stuff I have that I don't even know! Yesterday I found that "do it like they do on the discovery channel..." song. How awesome. And also the "I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooong jacket...". Awesome too.

Enough babling for now.

No more chicken for me

2009-06-14T14:57:00.003+09:30

Yesterday was my last shift at Nando's. HOORAY! I can't believe I don't have to work there anymore. It feels so good! That place is just filthy. Cocaroaches everywhere. Everything is greasy. Everything is dirty. No one gives a shit about it. The only person who gets people to clean stuff might be quitting soon so I don't know how much worse it will all get. If that's even possible. I feel bad for people who eat there. They must have really strong imune systems.

I have a cold. It sucks.
I also need to start my assignments. They are due on wednesday and friday. Ugh. I'll do them eventually.
This rain makes me tired. I just want to sleep. And this cold makes me feel like shit.
How emo.

I have a twitter now.
Yes, I gave in. I was bored, ok?!
I put a link up on my details, if u wanna add me.

Enough whinging for one day i guess.

OMFG!

2009-06-03T17:19:00.002+09:30

WE GOT THE FUNDING! WE GOT THE FUNDING! WE GOT THE FUNDING!

$4500 cash and $2000 equipment! Our animation is actually gonna be funded!!! OMFG!!! And we are gonna get mentors and all! AAAAAAAHHHH

My head is gonna explode.

I also got a job in the Flinders library.
So now I have 3 obs. Ugh. shall quit nando's soon. ish.

but OH-MY-GOD!!!

I don't think I could possibly be more excited than this right now :D

Holidays approaching

2009-06-02T18:19:00.003+09:30

Holidays are almost here. And I am oh so excited!
No really tho...
I got the job at subway and I figured I don't have to quit nando's just yet...
This way, I can work more during the holidays but not be bored with one specific job *hooray*

Today I was meant to do part of the animation we are making. I'm meant to make the hall and basic background stuff. No characters really. But guess what! PCs hate me. I got a version of Maya from a friend, who burnt it into a DVD from a PC. But my Mac decided it doesn't like that DVD so it won't even open it. So frustrating... But it is ok. I will survive *maybe*

I should update my deviantart. But I don't have many new photos. Ugh ugh ugh.
Yet again, I need more time.

OH YEAH, I forgot to comment about this... LOST SEASON 5 IS OVER. *freaks out* it ends so... weirdly. I don't want to wait for the next season to come ooooooout... it takes too long! :/

That is all :)

A good change

2009-05-20T20:18:00.004+09:30

I have a job interview at subway on saturday. I am oh so excited! It would mean i can actually quite nando's and get away from all the bullshitting, all the gossip. Don't get me wrong, the job is easy and SOME of the people there are quite nice. People I actually enjoy hanging outside work with. But others are just mean and selfish and mainly greedy. If you work there or hang around me often, you know who I am talking about. I wouldn't mind staying there if those people weren't there anymore. But it isn't just that. The place is filthy. If you knew what goes on there you would never eat there again. So I have the right to be excited about going to a hopefully cleaner place. Where I get paid more, don't have to travel as far and don't need to cook chicken. Plus I can eat cookies :P

On another note, uni is frustrating me greatly. My 3D class is just pissing me off! The program we use for modelling just crashes all the time, has so many bugs and just does not work the way it should! UGH! *takes deep breath*

I need more time. I don't have enough time. I haven't slept enough lately, I haven't cleaned my room, I haven't spend enough time doing my projects which are very exciting. I have no motivation, for anything. How emo, i know. But it is temporary, i know it is. Once things at uni start working out and stop frustrating me it will all start getting better.

:)

Come what may

2009-04-30T20:17:00.002+09:30

This is my last year at uni. LAST year. I only have about 8 months to go and then I graduate. That means I finish uni. I stop studying. I don't remember my life before I started studying. I don't know what will happen once I finish.

I started this degree thinking I could get somewhere, I could learn something that would make me happy and that I would be very good at. But that never happened. I haven't learnt much to be honest. I haven't specialised in anything. There's not one thing I am truly passionate about on my degree. Yes I do enjoy animation. Yes I do enjoy 3D modelling. And yes I do enjoy editing in general. But I am not very good in any of those things. I am ok at it, not great. I am not even that passionate about it. It is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. It is too time consuming, it annoys me too much at times. I am too much of a perfectionist to be able to do this. So that's when I hit a wall.

My plan B here is to become a police officer. When and if I get in, I will have to train for a year and then be on parole for another year. After that, I can work in the office, do something media related, something I actually would enjoy. I can do such things as catch criminals online or even reproduce a crime scene (3D modelling). In case it all fails, I can still work as a "normal" police officer. In he mean time, if I don't enjoy it as much as I want to, I can still look around for something else.

But this is scary. It freaks me out just to think that this is the last year. I don't want to study any more but at the same time, I don't want to go out there in the real world.

Someone said to me today that I shouldn't give up on my dreams just yet. That this course can be useful and that I can find a job related to it. But then I thought, I don't have a dream. And that is just sad.

On another note, for one of my projects this year we are making an animation. It is so very exciting! The story I will keep as a secret for now but this time I think it will actually work :)

Ugh

2009-04-13T11:00:00.001+09:30

I think I am jobless now.

But I have too much Uni stuff to do to bother too much with caring about it. Or even updating this blog constantly.

So for now, so long and thanks for all the fish.

Eudaimonia

2009-03-27T18:40:00.002+10:30

I am studying philosophy at uni this semester. It is quite scary, if you ask me. I already think more than i should, how much worst is it going to get now?

But anyway, that's not my point. The topic i am doing is "philosophy and the good life". We will learn about different philosophers views on what it is to have a good life (eudaimonia, as they say. a successful life). All of it goes way over my head. I can't seem to understand why they would waste their lives trying to figure out what the best life is. Honestly, why would you even want to know? What if the best life is something you don't want to do? Someone you don't want to be?

Some (philosophers) say your life must be in balance for it to be eudaimonian. I think that is quite true. But at the same time, why can't you have more of something? Say friendships? Why can't it be unbalanced? Others say you need to fullfill your potential. Say you are a great runner. Even if you hate it, they say you should still be a runner, because that's what you are "meant" to do.

I don't get this stuff. Really, i don't. I can't see how different people can have a great life the same way. I honestly believe some really poor but with a good family can be happier than a really rich man with a few friends.

I don't believe it is possible to have 'the best' life one can have. Sometimes you will be happy. Sometimes you will be miserable. Isn't that what life is all about? If there were only ups, would you be happy? I don't think i would. You start wanting more and more. It never ends. You can never be as happy as possible. I believe in being happy with what we have. If you loose something,you will learn to live without it and be happy. If you gain something, you will also learn to live with it and be happy. I strongly believe we learn from our own mistakes. I don't think you can learn from what other people do or say.

There just isn't a formula for an eudaimonian life. There never will be.