The difference

There are 2 types of people out there: those who complaign about things and those who get shit done.

The people who complaign are those who find things wrong all around them. 'There's dust everywhere. Why can't the cleaner do his job properly.' - goes back to doing whatever they were doing. Will complaign about the same thing later.

The people who get shit done are those who will probably complaing first but find a solution after. 'There's dust everywhere. Why can't the cleaner do his job properly.' - picks up something to clean the dust with. Cleans it. Tells the cleaner to be more careful next time. Will they complaign again about the same problem? Probably not.

I like to think I get shit done. And I hate sitting around and hear the complaigns from those who do nothing. Yes I understand you can't fix everything, but there's always something small that can be done. You can't control other people, but if you have the right mindset, there's a lot you can change. Little things are easy: stand up and make sure people know there's a better, easier way to do something that will stop the whinging. Big things? Campaign. Take it slow.

If everyone would just shut the fuck up and get out there and fucking do something, we'd have less stressed people and a much better world. One person does make a difference.

This isn't about changing the world overnight. This is about changing the mindset of people so things work smoother. Your bus is late and you got to work late? Catch an earlier bus next time. You can't change trafgic. You can't change the timetable. Complaigning to the metro ppl won't really help. They are doing what they can ad rather than wait for them to change for you, change what you do. It's fucking simple and I don't know why people can't get that!

Quem nao tem teto de vidro que atire a primeira pedra.

Mid year madness

It's that time of the year again when people go crazy. End of financial year brings the worst in people. Everything has to be done before the year is over. It's like a bomb will go off if shit doesn't get done. The sad thing is, most of that could be avoided if people were a little bit more organised. There is so much unecessary stress! Not to mention stocktake. Something that could be finished in a couple of hours ends up taking a whole day. It's just counting! Not rocket science!

Anyway, this is the second weekend I have had pretty much no alcohol or social interaction. Feels weird. But I think my body needed a bit of a break. Next weekend I shall go back to my alcoholic ways. Fun!

I was told the other day I have a way of forcing people to drink. Is that bad? Not like I get really drunk all the time. But I seem to be able to convince other people to drink. Someone asked if I bully ppl to drink because I was bullied as a kid (being a redhead and all). He said it as a joke, butI am pretty sure it's true! I don't consider myself a bully, though. I think I'm more honest and really have no shame of lettig people know the truth. Good or bad, that's how it is. It can be bad sometimes, but usually I help people realise what's going on without forcing my view into them. Not like I keep saying the same thing. I'll say it like I see it and chances are I won't bring that up again later on.

What a mess of a post. I should go back to sleep.

Go back to where you came from

The doco on sbs, 'go back to where you came from' is very full on. The bogan girl makes me want to punch her in the face every time she talks. The ignorance of some people makes me very angry. Those are the people that give south australians a bad name. Not to mention they are the one reproducing like rabbits.

But that wasn't my point. That show hasn't changed how I feel about refugees. Yes they should be helped, but letting certain people into the country is like shooting yourself in the foot. Unless they are willing to make a better life, work, study, be productive somehow and adapt, they will bring us down. There is not enough rehabilitation for when they get here. For fucks sake, it's a culture shock. You can't expect them to adapt on their own.

On the other side, this is a bandaid situation. You can bring as many people as you want, it won't solve the problem. Don't ask me how, but shouldn't we be spending more time trying to solve the problem? Australia has some brilliant minds. Huge hearts and countless people wanting to make a difference. Then why not use them to help other countries so that we don't get ours invaded with refugees? I know it would take time. But every journey starts with a single step. Keep bringing people in, but try to help the people and country they left behind.

And then for some reason people still support the war. Ofcourse, fight violence with violence. Yeah. Makes sense right? 2011 and still acting like we were in the early days.

Let's start over

Ok. Let's get over this emo self destructing phase. Back to happy (even if only sometimes and on the surface) Vero. Now GO.

Misfits. That show makes me happy. In a weird fucked up way. It's funny. And the characters are awesome. If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it. Because my opinion matters. Yeah, you know it does.

Tell a stranger?

I have trust issues, everyone knows that. I have many layers and very few people know the real me. Everyone knows different versions of me, fronts I put on to protect myself. When I get close to someone and for some weird reason they start liking me (as a friend or more than that) the thing that scares me the most is letting them in. I'm scared that they won't like the real me, that they like the person I try to be, not the person I really am. Every time I get close to opening up to someone, shit happens. It always does. I don't think there's more than a handfull of people who know the real me. How scary is that?

Because of how I camuflage, I've been told I should get help. Do you know what I hate avout that? It's the fact that people around me don't realise one simple thing: I don't communicate well. Not to friends, let alone to a stranger. Do you really think i'd warm up to a complete stranger who I know is reading me and trying to figure me out? No thanks. Can't even get my friends to understand me, why would I go to a stranger?! It puzzles me that someone would even think I'd be interested in that.

I know what's my problem. I know exactly what's wrong with me. I don't need to get someone else to tell me. I know I am a heartless bitch to people. I know I've made mistakes. I know I've hurt people. Do I regret some of it? Yeah. But it's who I am. I have always been a loner. My own island. It won't change, no matter how hard I try. I can't open up to ppl again when I know shit is gonna happen. It always does. I always lose everyone I care about. It's a fact of my life.

It puzzles me that there are some people who stick around. It puzzles me that there are people who do care what happens.

I miss that time when things were simple and I was happy. I miss the time when I could really be myself and not by judged. I miss trusting people. Australia changed me and I can never get that old me back. The bubbly, happy 15 year old girl with no fears, only ambition. I've turned into someone I can't be proud of. And I just can't change. In a way, I don't wanna change. Because if I am happy again, it means everything can fall into pieces again.

How fucking sad is that? For fucks sake woman, snap out of it.

How strange

This is the first weekend in a very long time that I don't go out or drink any alcohol. It feels strange. Having a quiet weekend is not something I am used to anymore. But it's kinda good. Catching up on sleep is pretty awesome. But then I know I will over sleep and just get more tired. Oh well.

I shot a few guns today. It wasn't what I expected. When I first got ready and was there, in front of the gun, with the ear protection and heard the guy say 'go' I kinda freaked out. When I first held the gun and loaded it, I was shaking a bit. Didn't see that one coming. When I heard the first bang of someone else shooting next to me, I must say I jumped a bit. After a few shots, I calmed down and just had fun. Can't say I am great at it, but then I've always known my aim sucks. But it was worth it. After we were done, we watched someoneshoot a rifle. Fuck that stuff is full on. I don't think I'll have the balls to shoot one of those anytime soon.

Worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum

I got told today that I think outside the box. That rather than taking te easy way to solve things, I'll come up with a new idea. Even for simple things. I was also told that I am such a logic person that it is like my logic tell my brain how to control y emotions. I never thought about any of this like that. I've never seen myself as someone who thinks outside the box. Ueah I am logical, but never realised I could have that much power over my emotions.

I am quite surprised and freaked out, I have to say. Maybe this will be useful in the future. No one has managed to figure me out yet, not even me. Maybe now I will.

Note to self: logic isn't always a good choice.

Girls will run the world

3 posts in 3 days? Wow. I either need to go back to being social (which i haven't stopped doing, really) or i need to learn how to fall asleep again. What happened to sleeping 9+ hours every night? Now i have a couple of hours of sleep and i feel fine the next day. Strange.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to blog about.

So i posted on friendface (It crowd? Anyone?) that i will be shooting a gun for the first time this weekend. Hasn't been more than a couple of hours and people have reacted in all sorts of ways. Most ppl seem excited and slightly scared. A girl and a gun? ME and a gun? Could end in disaster. You should be glad you won't be around to see. But then there are people trying to be 'a gun? Wtf r u thinking? *insert some anti war bullshit here*'. I don't get that. I can't see anything wrong with firing a legal, registered weapon in a contained space filled with people who know what they are doing. It's not like i'm going out there and shooting people or animals. 'Oh you are helping the gun trade' or some bullshit. Well at least I'm not being a fucking druggie and doing something illegal, you retard.

Live by what you preach. Don't bend the rules to suit you. You either believe in something or you don't. Making up your own rules doesn't give you the right to act morally correct. There is nothing wrong with trying something new if it isn't illegal and won't get anyone hurt.

Go judge someone else. I've been judged enough. Give me a break. Accept that people have different opinions and stop trying to force your opinions into everyone else. It's simple. There's nothing wrong with having an opinion and voicing it in a civilized and sane way. But don't push it. People are different. Why can't we accept that?

For real?

How many time do u think u can make the same mistake before u learn? I'm up to about 4 and i don't think i've learnt anything yet. But then it's just my life so doesn't truly matter. This is a mistake i keep making and everytime it happens, i come out feeling stupid, rejected and lonely and the other person involved comes out feeling good, loved and happy. I'd like to b on the other side one day. But at the same time, i've given up trying to b happy about 6 years ago. Wow. That's a long time.

What HAVE i learnt? People don't change. People are selfish. Karma is a bitch. Your destiny always catches up with you. Life isn't fair. People die. People get sick.

I've got so many people around me who wish me happiness yet I only get close to those who are indifferent. I should be happy about my life. Even though i haven't had a proper day of eating in a few weeks and feel sick to my stomach all the time. I should still b happy about what i have. Instead i fake it. Fake it till u make it right? There r so many ppl who believe in this fake happy version of me. Thats how good i've gotten at hiding how i feel. Why? Because i's easier. 6 years ago I learnt that if you have no expectations, you can't get hurt. I have lived my life by that since that day. Seems to work.

I really shouldnt open myself this much here. I dont even know who reads this. Not to mention it is pointless. Maybe i should go back to having a diary. Those were the days...

Dream

I've always been a huge believer that you should follow your dream, whatever that dream is. I always encourage people to take risks. Always. I don't always live by that, but I'm always the one telling people to go for it if it's somethig they really wanna do and/or really believe in.

I thought by now I would have my life sorted. That I would have a dream to follow. But it hasn't quote worked out that way. Whenever someone asks me what I wanna do with my life, who I wanna be, what's my dream, I don't know what to say. I keep changing my mind, simply beause I don't have a clear view of what I want. Well, kinda. A big part of it is that I don't believe in myself, I don't believe I can be whoever I wanna be and do whatever I wanna do. That's strange, considering how bossy and strong minded I am.

If someone asks me to do something that I think I can't do, I will prove them I'm capable. Always. I never give up and I always get what I set my mind into. But when it comes to living for myself, I feel like I've hit a huge brick wall and can't figure out how to go around it.

Do I wanna have my own business? Do I wanna be a photographer? Do I wanna manage people? Do I wanna plan events? Do I wanna work at a magazine?

I don't know.

I know what you're thinking 'you're too young, there's still plenty of time to figure it out'. But that's not how I see it. I feel unmotivated. I need a dream. Something to work towards. I don't like just floating around. I meed a goal, an aim. I don't know how to figure it out. Trial and error is not my style. I'm too scared for that. I'm so scared of failing that I don't even try.

I need to try new things. I need to open my mind to new ideas, new people with different mind sets.

As good as it all sounds, I can't figure out how to start.

Plug your headphones straight into my heart
Coz i want you to know what i'm talking about

Please, don't go breaking my heart
I only have one
I only have one...

Badass

Someone said to me the other day that they see me as a badass person. Strong, confident and not scared of anything. They said they couldn't imagine me screaming over something like seeing a snake near by. Or even screaming at someone. I find this quite weird. It seems that the way I see myself is nothing like the way other people see me. That can't be good, right?

I don't know how I can come across confident when in reality I have really low self steem. I don't know how I come across as strong if I am pessimistic and scared of so many things. I don't understand. I know I come across as a heartless evil bitch to so many people. But reality is, I get hurt way too often. I over think everything. I care too much. I'm not good at letting go.

There's so many things I know I should change. But deep down, the reason why I've never tried being a better person is because i've been hurt too many times so I don't want to have people hanging around who I care about when I know they'll end up leaving. Everyone always does. I've gotten used to being a loner. Don't trust people, don't share my life, don't depend on anyone. I'd like to say being my own island makes me happy. Truth is, I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my life. And that sucks.

I dislike what this blog has become. It is a depressive diary basically. But it's the onlything I have to get it all out. I can't say most of this stuff to people, face to face. So I hide behind this blog. It's weak. Depressive. Pointless. It feels like I am asking for people to feel bad for me. But I'm not. I hate when people feel bad for me. It makes things worse.

Way to go

Every guy I have ever had feelings for has managed to screw me over big timr. There are no exceptions. There is one guy who is different, which is refreshing. To know that someone truly cares about u to the point where they will put their feelings aside to work things out and be friends above anything else is refreshing. I need more people like that around. I need less of the needy, obsessive type around. Less of girls who are totally fucked in the head and don't think about anything but themselves. Less of fake friends. More of friends who stick around during good and bad times.
I've learnt to forgive people and let things go. But those people are always the ones who hurt me the most in the end. Those are the people who will go out of their way for revenge.
Revenge is a bad thing. I got over it a while ago. But I seem to be the only one who has.
Have I mentioned that people are fucked?
Yes, I get it, you were abused. But that doesn't give you the right to abuse other people for your own happines. You should know better. And guess what, it ain't gonna work. You'll neer get what you want. You'll get abused again. Because karma is a fucking bitch.
If I was over this cold, I'd be drinking very heavily right now. Will do it as soon as I get healthier. Alcoholic coma? Would be a break from reality. So would crashing into a tree.
Life is brutal. I should have learnt by now. People aren't worth it. They always screw you over. Nothing never changes.

I hope you realize how worthless you are. I really do. Because everyone else knows.