Less than a week until I move out. I'm super excited. But quite scared at the same time. What if it doesn't work? What if I regret it? I guess I'll never find out until I do it. So much to do. So much to buy. Nothing's on track riht now. And I chose the worst day to move, right after the GAMES pubcrawl. What a mistake. If it is good, I feel feel like shit all day saturday.

Life's going pretty good. In a weird way. Things are working themselves out. I can't really say there's bad stuff happening in my life right now. I'm more positive than usual. I'm doing whatever I feel like doing, even if it means spending the next day like a zombie. But even at work, things are going good. I've got more responsibilities. People actually want me around. It's all very exciting, I must say.

Only when I think things are going good, I always find a way to feel bad about it all. That's my nature. It's what I do. And right now, I feel like everything is too good to be true. Things are going way too smoothly. Something is gonna crash. Something bad will happen soon. This is pessimistic Vero talking.

It's almost September. I hate that month. Nothing good ever happens in September. Ever. I spend the whole month just waiting for bad news. And it always comes.

I have to stop being so emo on this blog. I'm not actually this bad. Things are good and I still sit here and whine about it all. I have to stop doing that. I have to start having happy thoughts.

I'm gonna go watch Dexter. Now that's a happy show. I wish I was like Dexter sometimes, in a way. Not the killing people way, but the not being able to feel anything way. Not forever. Just sometimes.

I miss Murray. He should still be here. He was such an amazing guy. If he was still around, I think I would be a different person. I would see things differently. I used to be such a happy person. And now it feels like things get me down much easier. Not that people know, because hiding my feelings is what I am truly good at. Before he died, I didn't cry. Now I am scared of losing people. I think that'd my biggest fear. I don't think I can deal with losing someone else. It broke me once and I'm still not ok. If it happens again, I don't know if I'll heal.

I still get weird every time I listen to Hilltop Hoods. He introduced me to them. My stomach turns when they come on. It fucking sucks.

Rainy days

I love the rain. But I hate the feelings I get with it. Bad things seems to happen when it rains. In general. Rainy seasons are not good for me. I don't really know why, but they change me. My mood always changes when it rains. All I wanna do is sit in front of the TV, eat and watch crappy tv shows. But people around me always have other ideas.

So much is changing in my life. I can't keep up with it. Suddenly, everything is starting to spin out of control again. I thought I had it all figured out. But then, can you ever really figure out things if there are people involved? I find it hard to understand people. Their actions never make sense. I feel like most people around me are very honest to me. Maybe too honest sometimes. I love the fact that people listen to what I have to say, that people seem comfortable with telling me things, that people actually trust me with their secrets. But why do they? How can I deal with all of this? In a way, I feel like it is slowly destroying me. People vent to me and tell me things they don't tell others, yet I don't really do that as often as I should. It is getting to the point where I am about to explode. I need to learn to deal with my problems. I've got the 'dealing with other people's problems' worked out. I believe I give great advice and people actually make some sense of things I say. But why don't I use those things in my life? Why can't I work out my life, yet I can work out everyone else's? I need to be alone, yet I feel like I need my friends more than ever.

When you talk to people you don't really care about that much, the whole time you are talking, they are thinking "yeah yeah, whatever, I wanna do the talking now" and vice versa. People don't listen to each other. All they do is wait for their turn to talk. Yet with good friends, you actually absorb what they are saying, you get interested, you rather listen than talk when you feel like they have something to say. I sometimes feel like I do the 'good friend' way with people I don't really care about. I wanna listen to what people have to say, even if we aren't the best of friends. I rather listen to them than do the talking. It is a bit strange. But I guess it comes back to me not trusting people. I don't wanna bug people with my problems. My life isn't interesting enough for me to tell other people.


Whenever I am driving home alone at night time, or even when it is raining, once I get to this main rd near my house, I get this urge to just accelerate as fast as I possibly can and aim for a tree or any other stationary object. It sounds terrible, I know. I've never said this to anyone before. But it happens. Every time. It's been happening for a long time too. It sucks. I am not a suicidal person. I think suicide is selfish. Leaving behind people who care about you and hurting them on purpose just so you will be free is selfish. I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. Yet I get this urge. It's weird. Irrational.

Hopefully I will find a place to move out to very soon. And once that happens, I hope things will work themselves out. Once I get that space, that freedom. And if they don't, then I guess it was worth a try.

PS.: I seriously need to stop with these emo posts. But I really feel like I need to put this out somewhere. And knowing that people actually read this, even if no one says anything, it gives me a sense of relief. It's out there. Bringing it up in the first place is the hardest part. But once I do this, if someone actually mentions something to me, I feel like there are people out there who actually care and it isn't a one way street.