Ask me anything here. I won't know who you are. So anything goes :)

Because I can

(from postsecret)

I've looked up suicide hotlines in Adelaide. I have applied to be a volunteer as a telephone counsellor there. It isn't just a suicide thing, it is a help line. For anyone and everyone who needs someone to talk to. It is a religious based organisation, but it was the only one I could find here in Adelaide. If it helps people, I don't care if it involves religion or not. I have an info night next week and I am very excited about it all.

This could be a great experience. But it can also break me completely. I think I am strong enough to do this. I hope I am. I don't want to sit around doing nothing anymore. I want to spend my time doing something I actually care about. I want to be able to help people. I'm not gonna find my perfect job any time soon, so I might as well be productive. I am still looking for a job that will give me more hours. Any job that doesn't involve food basically. But it isn't easy.

I don't know what to expect from this volunteering. It can't be an easy job. It just can't. There is so much wrong in the world, I don't know if I'm ready (or ever will be) to listen to someone tell me how awful their life is. And when it happens, I will have to try and change their mind, try and make them believe they are worth it. I can do this, right? I hope I can.

For fucks sake

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to keep things in my life as simple as possible, people around me just seem to love to make drama. Out of everything! And then they will tell me they don't like drama. Are you for real? If you don't like drama, don't make any! It isn't that hard. If people talked more and actually tried to work things out, all this drama wouldn't be happening.

I hate how people over react about everything. Specially certain people. So now whatever I post here is about you? Self centred much? Not everything is about you, you know. Stop pretending like it is. If I have any issue with someone, I will talk to them about it. If I haven't talked to you about a problem, it is because that issue is not with you. Get over yourself.

All I ever post here lately is bad, angry stuff. When in reality my life is going pretty well. I am actually enjoying life for a change. I love being able to do whatever I wanna do. The reason why I post so many angry things here is because I want to avoid the drama. I will confront you when I get a chance. In the meantime, I don't wanna have to hold it all in, so I write here. If you don't like it, if you are offended by it, don't fucking read this. It is that simple.

Two faced people piss me off. If you have something against me, say it to my face, not behind my back. If you don't like me, don't talk to me. If you think I'm full of shit, don't talk to me. If you don't like the way I do things, don't talk to me. If you think I'm oh so selfish, don't talk to me. If you think I force you to do things you don't wanna do, stand up for yourself and fucking say something.

I don't need friends who back stab me, thank you very much. I am not here for you to be able to have something to bitch and gossip about to your other friends. I don't tell you things so you can go around telling everyone else. I trusted you, you fucking bitch. And now you back stabbed me. I always find out. ALWAYS. And this is no exception. You are full of shit, you don't deserve my friendship, you don't deserve to have me there, helping you when you are fucking bored at home and want someone to talk to. You don't actually deserve to have any friends at all. I should've noticed it earlier. You've always bitched about your other friends, why would our friendship be any different? You are a backstabbing whore who will never have my trust again. Don't expect to have me wanting to hang out with you any time soon. There is no point on saying all of this to your face, because you will just ignore it all, pretend nothing never happened and fucking want everything to be back to normal. Well guess what?! It will never go back to normal. I don't want you around. I don't need you around.

I wish I had never trusted you with all that shit. I wish I didn't try and count on you when I needed help. I wish I didn't go to you for advice. It was all pointless. Our friendship was pointless. You used me because you can't make your own friends. Yeah, I said it. You fail at talking to people, people find you boring, no one wants to talk to you. But I went out of my way to be friends with you. And what do I get? Back stabbing. AWESOME!

Fuck you.

What goes around comes around...

I have always been a very strong believer of Karma. It always works. It is the best type of revenge. The reason I don't go out of my way for revenge is because I know Karma will get them one day. And they will suffer. Just like they made me suffer to start off with. It works every time. And when it happens, I can't help but be happy, even if it sucks for them. Karma is a bitch. It's that simple. At the same time, what happens when Karma is out to get me? Not so funny anymore.

I don't really know what I have done in the past to deserve the kind of shit I have to put up with. I can't say I've been a wonderful person my whole life. Yes I've done wrong things and treated people like crap. But I never thought it was this bad.

There are certain people who no matter how hard you try, they just don't care. You can put yourself out there, you can trust them, you can go out of your way to make them happy, you can try whatever you can to try and see them. But in return, you get nothing. They just don't give a shit. People who should be your friends, people who you really care about. How can people just kick friends to the side like this? How can people just give up this easily?

I had a fight with one of my friends the other day. The whole time it was happening, it was hurting. A lot. It didn't last very long, but it made me quite upset. It sucked. In the end, I went out of my way to make sure they knew how I felt. It all worked out. So is it just me? Am I the only person who gets this upset when she has a fight with someone she cares about? I would never be able to let go of people around me who I truly care about. But they seem to just be able to kick me to the side so easily. Maybe they don't care about me as much as they said they did? Maybe they have moved on to another friend? Can you even move on from friends? I know you make new friends all the time and sometimes you have to let old ones go. But how do people let them go so easily, without a fight at all? It just feels like they have no feelings.

It sucks. It's that simple. Being kicked to the side by a friend who you truly care about for no reason at all really sucks.

Yes I get it, people are busy, they have other stuff to do. But what is so hard about a message maybe once a week? A phone call? Or even an e-mail. ANYTHING. The small things are the ones that matter the most.

Wacked sleeping patterns

Because of the World cup, my sleeping pattern is way out. I'll stay up until 2 am, watching the games and then fall asleep for about 2 hours, wake up again and watch the 4am game. I've become a creature of night, which is totally weird considering I never used to go to bed after around midnight. I've always been a morning person, waking up early is my thing, and so is sleeping for at least 8 hours every night. But now I can't even remember the last time I had a proper night's sleep. How odd. It is good though! On the weekends, I am not dead when I go out anymore so I can actually stay out until whenever.

On another note, GO BRASIL! :D We shall win this cup. As everyone is saying, this cup is America's. Most of the European countries are failing. So take that! I think it is great. I always go against Europe. The way I go is: Brasil, Australia, Latin American Countries and then whoever is playing against an European country :P

Speaking of Latin American countries, the other day I had this huge argument with some people about what countries are part of Latin America. Australians (at least the ones I have mentioned this to) have no clue! For them, Latin America consists of Mexico and a few countries of central and south America. How odd! Aren't you meant to learn that in school? I mean, Latin America = countries in America who speak a language that comes from Latin. DUH. Same goes or Europe. People don't believe me when I say Italy and France are Latin countries. I don't get it.

Anyhow, dinner time and then let's hope Portugal doesn't win this game ;)

Certain memories never fade away.

It was a saturday night. The worst saturday night of my life. In the middle of the night, god knows what time, Ben rings me. I'm barely awake when I pick up the phone. The conversation goes something like this...

Hey. It's me.
Hi. What's going on?
Murray had a car crash.
What? - at this point I am completly out of it, half asleep.
He took his mum's car without her knowing. And he crashed into a tree.
What?
*silence*
Where are you?
I'm at the tree. He died, Veronica. Murray is dead.
What do you mean he's dead?
He died on the crash.

I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what do do. I had no reaction. I just sat there as Ben started to cry on the phone. I don't remember much after that. All I know is I rang Rugiyya straight away and she didn't know what to say. I cried like I've never cried before. For hours. In the morning, I had a shift volunteering at Oxfam and I didn't want to not go. I remember when I woke up early, I told dad and he started swearing. He couldn't believe it. I remember mum wasn't home, I think she was in Brazil. And Lu was at some friend's house. So I went to Oxfam.

That Sunday was the worst shift I've ever done. I didn't tell anyone. I was a zombie the whole time. I don't even know how I managed to act nice to costumers. I remember Lu came in during my shift, I think dad told her what happened. She hugged me and I pushed her away because I was almost crying again. It was awful. I felt like I had to be strong and couldn't let anyone know how much it hurt.

At the end of my shift, Ben came to pick me up with Rugiyya and Wes. We went to where it all happened. The whole way there I didn't say a word. I just sat there. When we got to the tree, as soon as everyone started getting out of the car I completly broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even get out of the car. Ben tried to get me out, but I just couldn't do it. But the Lewi, Murray's brother, came to the car. He stood in front of my door and said "Don't I even get a hug?". I got up straight away and hugged him. I was crying so much I was shaking. I'll never forget what he said to me during that hug... "I know you and Murray had your differences and you were always fighting. But he has always thought very higly of you. He really liked you."

The days after that are one big blur in my mind. I don't remember anything. It's like they didn't happen. I know I went to uni, I know I talked to people about this, but I was so numb.

This happened 2 and a half years ago. I'm still not over it. It still hurts. I don't think I've ever told anyone this story before. I don't really know why I am writing it here to be honest.

I miss him. I hadn't talked to him properly in weeks when this happened. But he was such an awesome person.

"I'm not afraid to take a stand

Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now"
Not afraid - Eminem

So much can change in so little time. One decision can change your life forever. One wrong move can change the way people see you. One word can make someone hate you. One sentence can break someone's trust forever. It is all so fragile. It takes so long to like people, to trust people yet it all can break down so quickly. Why is that? Why is it that you can't trust someone straight away, they have to earn your trust? Yet you can be betrayed in seconds and it will never be the same again. Why can't people forgive other people? Why can't people move on?

I hate that it took me so long to become who I am today. I hate that I had to do so many wrong things, lose so many people before I could realise all of this. I hate that I have lost people who I will never be able to get back. I hate knowing that I am still very likely to mess things up and have to go back to square one.

I like the person I am now. I've never liked who I used to be. Who I have been for the last 6 years. I am back to being me. I am back to knowing what I want and actually going out there and trying to get it. Things aren't going as planned, it isn't as easy as I thought it would be, yet I am getting through it all and it feels good. I feel like I am getting somewhere, even if it takes me a long time.

I haven't been on my own in so long. I forgot who I was. I got lost between other people. And knowing that I can still be myself and be happy is great. I am back to liking just hanging out with me. It took so much for me to get here but now everything is going ok. I will be ok. Everything will turn out just fine. It feels awesome.

People change everyday. And to know how much I've changed in the last 6 years and to know that I have had great people around me to help me get here is amazing.

I like me now.

World cup fever!

The world cup has started! I haven't slept properly since. Not that I truly care who wins what games, but OMG I love the cup.

Tonight/tomorrow morning GO AUSSIES!

Things are looking up :)

I don't know if I like this roller coaster my life is in. Some days awesome things will happen and I will be jumping up and down. Other days things just go to shit. But I guess it balances it out, right? No point having fun all the time or being shitty all the time.

So last Wednesday I had my job interview at Studio 2000 Photographers. I think it went well. But the lady told me there were lots of people applying and there were 5 spots available. I haven't heard back from them yet, so I might go in this week to see how things are going. I feel like I would be sounding needy, but people around me say I should go in and ask, that it will make me sound interested. I guess I'll give it a shot.

I haven't heard back from the house me and Alex applied for either. But it hasn't been a week yet. So fingers crossed!

The last few days have been pretty good. On Friday I worked until about 2.30pm. We got our discounts back (because we are nice people who do temp checks now! ha) so I had some very healthy chicken fillet wrap. After that, I rushed home, had a shower and off I went to the city.

There's this campaign, 'Make Poverty History' which is supported by many organisations. One of them is Oxfam. And since I volunteer there, I know people who do this kind of stuff. So I heard they were doing a road trip (which I didn't go to because I was in France). And after the road trip, when they were back in Adelaide, they were gonna do a "freeze". And that is why I went to the city. I didn't know how it was gonna go. So what happens is, people get together. We walk down Rundle Mall and a guy has this huge drum. At a given time, everyone stops. They freeze. Only thing they could do was blink. They stay like that for a while. That's when people start staring and slowing down to see what's going on. Suddenly, the guy with the drum hits his drum. And keep hitting it every 3 seconds. Every time he hits it, someone collapses. They just fall to the ground. And it keeps going until everyone is dead. That represents the people who die from poverty every 3 seconds in the world. I wasn't one of those people, I was walking around getting everyone to sign the petition. We need something like 400,000 signatures so that this campaign can be sent to parliament. It is all about getting the government to send some aid to places where poverty has hit. Quite amazing, hey? I thought it was a great idea and an awesome way to get people to pay attention and sign the petition. We got lots of signatures.

So after we did the freeze a few times, it was time to hit the unibar! Hooray! I was driving, so I couldn't drink much. But it was the unibar, I had to have a tequila sunrise ;). I also had some wedges. Healthy, I know. Hugh then came around for a bit and we talked about the help-portrait photo shoot we are going to do. We will get people who can't afford getting professional photos done and will photograph them and give them the photo. The point of it? To spread love. To tell people that there are still people out there who care. To show that they can feel good about themselves. To give them good memories. I think it is an awesome movement and I am VERY excited to make it happen! (If you live in Adelaide and would like to help, let me know! We are gonna need plenty of people to organise this and to help us on the day).

So after talking to Hugh, we went to this Thai Vegetarian restaurant which was fantastic! I was full of wedges but had a tea, which tasted awesome. And I don't even drink tea! We then went back to the unibar for a bit, before heading out to the Austral, where I had my second and last drink: $4 tequila shot! Hooray! By that point, my hands and knees were very swollen and they hurt like hell. But I stayed out because there were loads of fun people around. We went to hungry jack's too, which is where I realised I had to go home or I would die of pain right there. The drive home SUCKED. I drive a manual, so changing gears with a swollen hurting hand is horrible! I barely slept all night...

When it was about 6am I figured I had to see a doctor. So off to the hospital we go again, second time in less than 5 days. We waited for a good 2 hours but there were loads of ambulances arriving (it was a Friday night after all...). We headed out to my GP and he told me i had temporary arthritis. Which was caused by something (probably my cold triggered it... weird I say). He gave me loads of stuff to take and I headed back home, where I spent the rest of the day watching movies with Lu and eating chocolate. Good day overall.

Today, all the pain was gone. Everything was kind of working again. To celebrate, I went to Ikea with Alex and Stam. Fun times! We had cheap ice cream, which was awesome. And cheap lunch too. After that, we went back to my place, played to Trivial Pursuit (where Stam cheated!) and Wii Sports. We then went out to have some healthy Maccas food and they went home. Fun weekend I say :) Despite the hospital part, it was pretty awesome :)

Now this was a long "this is my life" post. Sigh.

What a day...

The other day mum cleaned my bathroom. The bath was so dirty that she had to use really strong stuff to clean it. Something called Sugar Soap. You use it to clean walls and floors. It is a petty dangerous thing if it gets into contact with your skin for long. But anyway, she cleaned the bath. And last night, I went to have a bath. Little did I know that it would be a really bad decision.

When I as done my legs started itching. I thought it was just some sort of dry skin or hay fever (they itch a lot in summer). So I just ignored it. But other parts of my body started having the same reaction. I spent most of my night scratching myself. It was an itching like you get when a mosquito bites you. When you scratch and it stop after a while, It was constant itching. To make life harder, it would keep moving around, my legs would itch than it was my head and then my stomach and so on. At 5am this morning I figured I should have a shower to see if I could get whatever it was out of my skin. Didn't help. At all. So we figured I should go to the hospital.

Fun times all around. After about an hour we got to see the doctor, who decided he would make me a happy girl again by giving me an injection. A freaking bad one. He kept saying how much it would hurt. It was lovely. It was this thick syringe with thick liquid inside. It hurt a lot while doing it but it got 100 times worst after it was done. 4 hours later, they let me go home.

Awesome day so far.

I have my interview at Studio 2000 later on today. Super excited :)

Today, everything that could go wrong at work, went wrong. Starting with the fact that I went in with a cold. I can barely speak! So costumers couldn't understand me properly. When I got there, I realised I had forgotten something, so had to drive back and pick it up. That's cool. But we suddenly got busy, when I had just started preping meatballs. So between trying to serve, clean up, do the dishes and make sure we didn't run out of anything, the meatballs took me a few hours. Sigh. To make my day that little bit better, when I was serving a costumer I dropped their sandwich. I was taking it out of the oven and BAM the paper rips and there's cheese everywhere on the floor. The costumer didn't even notice! How odd. It was quite embarassing. But I can't say I haven't done that before... I think everyone there has done it at some point in time.

I need sleep. But it isn't even 7pm... sigh.