ABC

I should be doing homework. but instead, here i am, blogging about nothing.

So for an assignment for my advanced multimedia class i have to design my own font. Which is fun fun fun!!! I've done most of the upper case letters and now need to start working on the lower case ones. It is due friday. I shall try and finish it soon. I decided to just make my handwriting. This is sort of what it looks like:
Good? Bad? It wasn't really hard to make. And it's been lots of fun!

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Choose life.
Choose a job.
Choose a career.
Choose a family.
Choose a f*cking big television!
Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments.Choose a starter home.
Choose your friends.Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f*cking fabrics.Choose day and wondering who the f*ck you are on a Sunday morning.Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f*cking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f*cked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose no to choose life..I chose something else.And the reasons?
There are no reasons.


-- trainspotting

The trust issue

I don't really know what to blog about. I just feel like writing something. I'm not sure what tho.

I've been in a not so good mood lately. For many reasons really. And it is like when something goes wrong, everything else will follow and suddenly you realize there is no going back, there's nothing you can do. You are screwed. For good. The only way out is to slowly find a way out of it, one problem at a time. But it ain't easy. Of course not. Being optimistic isn't easy. I'm sort of optimistic. For other people. I do whatever i can to make other people feel better. But when it comes to my life, i don't give a crap. I'm pessimistic about my own life. Things don't get better. Nothing never gets better. People are just capable of adapting. That's it. It's not that things got better, it's just that you got used to it. But me, it is like i don't adapt. That part of me is missing. I mean, i do adapt to an extend. But i don't get over things. Little things annoy me. Lots of them put together can drive me insane. I am not easy to deal with and i know that.

I don't forgive and i don't forget. That's probably my biggest issue. That just always makes things worse for me. It always has and it always will. I can't change. I can't help it. I've tried forgiving people. I've tried forgetting about things that happened. But i just can't. I don't know why, but i can't. It sucks, yeah i know. I can pretend they are forgiven tho. Or even pretend i forgot about something. It ends up that I'm the only one who knows it in the end. Not even people that are very close to me know how i feel about things. They don't know how messed up i really am. Maybe that's for the best, maybe not. But that's how it will always be.

I don't trust many people. My trust has been broken not long ago and now i can't trust people. It just doesn't happen. I don't tell people how i feel and i push people away. I don't have many really close friends, i don't have many people who would do anything to help me. People don't trust me either. I thought they did. But as of last night, i realized they don't. Someone who had no real reason not to trust me decided he wasn't gonna trust me. I found out about who he liked by accident, by observing. He admitted to it and told me not to tell anyone. But guess what. The other day he came up to someone i talk to a lot and asked him if i told him. Turns out he had to tell my friend what his oh so big secret was. Because i didn't bloody tell him. I didn't break his freaking trust. But HEY he didn't trust me. I just wanna go around and tell EVERYONE what he told me. He doesn't trust me, so i might as well give him a REAL reason not to trust me.

People piss me off so badly. I hate not being trusted. I hate having people tell me i can trust them when in reality they don't bloody trust me in the first place! I hate hypocrisy. And there are too many people around me who pretend to be oh so nice when in reality they are hypocrites! There is no point telling them about any of it because they will ignore it. Or pretend it isn't true.

I'm sooooo sick of people. I just wanna crawl into a dark hole and stay there. For a very long time.